Lizzard birthing

    • Anonymous
      August 11, 2006 at 9:22 am

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][B]I just cracked up on this one a friend of mine sent, its really cute. [/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]:D LIZARD BIRTHING [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]Here’s what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious dad, can you help?” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was in deed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Oh my! gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]I was equally outraged. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (again with the sarcasm , you think?) [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Oh, gross!” they shrieked. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
      (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?) [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted. “It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Do something, Dad!” my son urged. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Okay, okay.” Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Should I call 911,” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him.
      (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.) [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”Oh, perfectly,” the Vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen… Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um….um….masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]We were silent, absorbing this. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]”So Ernie’s just…just… excited,” my wife offered. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]”Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]” What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]Tears were now running down her face. Laughing “It’s just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny little…” she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]”That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]”I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]”Oh, you have NO idea,” [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]2 – Lizards – $140… [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]1 – Cage – $50… [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]Trip to the Vet – $30… [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
      [FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie…..Priceless [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Arial]
      [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Tahoma]Moral of the story – finish biology class – lizards lay eggs![/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

    • Anonymous
      August 11, 2006 at 10:50 am

      lol Ali, that was great.

    • Anonymous
      August 11, 2006 at 11:01 am

      Thanks, Ali.

      After the day at work I’ve had, I really needed this!

      Deb

    • Anonymous
      August 11, 2006 at 2:27 pm

      That was priceless, ali!!! love it!!!!:)

    • Anonymous
      August 11, 2006 at 3:26 pm

      I’ve got to tell you guys, I cant stop grinning at this one. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and had a stupid grin on my face.

    • Anonymous
      August 12, 2006 at 4:35 am

      I know someone who loves lizards. MAKES ME WONDER????????

    • Anonymous
      August 12, 2006 at 9:48 am

      A belly laugh feels soooo good. Thanks, Ali, you made my morning.

      [url]ftp://www.bluemarble.de/forum/belly_laugh.jpg[/url]

    • Anonymous
      August 12, 2006 at 9:50 am

      A belly laugh feels sooo good. Thanks, Ali, you made my morning.

    • Anonymous
      August 12, 2006 at 10:22 am

      Ali,

      You are wonderful!

      Regards,
      Marge

    • Anonymous
      May 5, 2007 at 12:54 am

      Hey everyone,

      I just needed a little giggle tonight and thought about this post I made a while back. For all of you who havent read it, it honestly is very cute!

    • Anonymous
      May 5, 2007 at 6:49 pm

      Thanks Ali,
      I needed a good laugh today.

    • Anonymous
      May 5, 2007 at 7:13 pm

      [B]Ali,

      It truly is a masterpiece, hope you didn’t think I would say masturbate. Oops I did.

      😀 😀 😀 😀 [/B]

      [B]How the heck did I miss that one last year?[/B]

    • Anonymous
      May 6, 2007 at 2:20 am

      Donna,

      No my dahling! I didnt think. …… you of all people …. would say that naughty word!!!

    • Anonymous
      May 6, 2007 at 7:32 am

      definitely worth resurrecting … must have missed it the first time 😮

    • Anonymous
      May 6, 2007 at 9:56 am

      That was great! It reminds me of former neighbors we had….and this really is a true story, folks.

      There was a stream running through our neighborhood. A couple from California built a house on the last vacant lot on the stream. The wife had post-polio syndrome and was confined to a motorized wheel chair. The second summer they were there, they installed chain link fencing along their property lines across the creek to “fence in the wild ducks” so the wife could feed them from her chair.

      The other neighbors took exception to this, and it started a heated letter writing campaign to the local newspaper, regarding the pros and cons of fencing the creek. On his last missive to the paper, SoCal Bob expounded on how happy the ducks were in their enclosure because they had a ready food supply and were safe from predators. To qoute, “there are in fact, so happy that one of them is pregnant.”

      Unable to stand it any longer, I knocked on the neighbor’s door, and asked SoCal Bob, “Bob, how do you get a duck pregnant?” His reply, “well that is a stupid question….you take a male duck and a female duck…”

      I couldn’t stand it any longer, so I broke in with ……”and then you lay an egg, Bob.”

      Price of chain link fencing $2000
      City fines for installing a fence without a permit $250
      Cost of subscription to the local rag $25
      the look on soCal Bob’s face when he realized exactly who had laid the egg….Priceless.

      The story finally resolved itself when local flooding during the following winter took out the fence, the bridge, the culvert, and SoCal Bob’s deck, because any idiot should know you don’t build you house lower than the high water line.