Canadian-related humour

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    • #10056
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Being Canadian-according to Jeff Foxworthy

      ——————————————————————————–

      Forget Rednecks… Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians, during a recent appearance at Caesars in Windsor :

      If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don’t work there, You may live in Canada .
      If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada .
      If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number,………………………… You may live in Canada .
      If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada .
      If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada .
      If you know several people Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada .
      If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ In the same day and back again, You may live in Canada .
      If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow During a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada .
      If you install security lights on your house and garage, But leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada .
      If you carry jumper cables in your car And your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada .
      If you design your kid’s Halloween costume To fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada .
      If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km — You’re going 95 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada .
      If driving is better in the winter Because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada .
      If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, You may live in Canada .
      If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada
      If you find -2 degrees ‘a little chilly’, You may live in Canada .
      If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your friends, you definitely are Canadian and proud to be

    • #102530
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Never ceases to amaze me as to just what Jeff Foxworthy will come up with !

    • #102569
      Pattys00
      Member

      I live right by the border and have lots of canadian friends. I am going to enjoy forwarding it on to them, eh!

    • #102579
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Just today,I was thinking about what he said about snow in the ruts and potholes making travelling easier in the winter, while I was bringing home a big jug of water on my rollator. Lots easier than travelling over the rougher surfaces, and if I slip I can hang onto my walker handles. 😉

    • #102659
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      (borrowed from my favourite site: [url]www.smartcanucks.ca[/url])

      Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

      50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
      New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
      Canadians plant gardens.

      40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
      Californians shiver uncontrollably
      Canadians Sunbathe.

      35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
      Italian Cars won’t start
      Canadians drive with the windows down

      32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
      Distilled water freezes
      Canadian water gets thicker.

      0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
      New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
      Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

      -40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
      Hollywood disintegrates.
      Canadians rent some videos.

      -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
      Mt. St. Helen’s freezes.
      Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

      -100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
      Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
      Canadians pull down their earflaps.

      -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
      Ethyl alcohol freezes.
      Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.

      -459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
      Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
      Canadians start saying “cold, eh? ”

      -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
      Hell freezes over.
      The Leafs win the Cup

    • #102739
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      this is just what I needed. thanks.:)

    • #102840
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      When I was a kid we would go visit my grandmother near the Canadian border in Bonners Ferry, Idaho. My grandmother would always borrow us kids for an afternoon and we would drive up to Nelson, B.C. She had a huge Cadillac which was fitted with three fuel tanks which could hold 90 gallons of gasoline. We would go to the grocery store and she would by several hundred pounds of socialist flour, fill the trunk with extra strong Canadian beer, and fill the fuel tanks with reasonably taxed gasoline and we would make one last stop at the five and dime store before heading back home. Our grandmother would let us pick out one thing, actually anything in the store we wanted and she purchased it and kept it until we fulfilled our end of the bargain. We would head back across the border smuggling beer, flour, and gas. Me and my brother and sisters would be sitting on sacks of flowers looking all cute and everything and we would smile at the border guards and they would always wave us through.

      As soon as we got down the road out of site of the border station, our grandmother would pull off to the side of the road and give us the toys we chose at the five and dime store and she would critique our smuggling techniques. Those were good times even though riding on a sack of socialist flour hurt your but by the end of the trip.

      I recently had a business trip up in Kelowna, BC and on the way back it just didn’t feel right going across the border without smuggling at least something. I felt I was letting my grandmother down, so I went back across the border and at the first store I came across I found some peaches that I decided to take across. It felt good. Every now and again you really need to touch your wilder heritage.

    • #102842
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Lee, whatever is ‘socialist flour’??? I’ve never come across it. :confused:
      And how did you get away with smuggling our peaches?
      Man oh man, you’ve just admitted to a crime, and on the internet with a world-wide viewing!

      (Next time, just eat the peaches first, ok?)
      That way, if the border guards decide to do a physical-check, you can ‘pay them back’, so to speak, and it’s perfectly legal. 😉

    • #102845
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Socialist flour was made from Canadian hard kernal winter wheat. It was highly subsidized by the Canadian government (hence socialized). In a border snit, the United States had prohibitively high tariffs on Canadian flour which almost tripled its price. Most of my family were Dutch Mennonites which prized the hard grain flour for its baking qualities in traditional Mennonite recipes. They would pay twice what my grandmother got it for and she would still make a little profit. (And we would get a toy.) This was a win-win situation which any sensible government should endorse.

      I could have had a physical inspection of the peaches, but that really wasn’t the point. Smuggling was way better than the peaches ever could be.

    • #102846
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Oh, one more thing for the Canadians on this forum, the song “Oh Canada!”, which I believe is the Canadian national anthem, has the phrase:

      Oh Canada!
      We stand on cars and freeze!

      What is up with that? If it is so cold, can’t you all just go indoors?

      And is “Oh Canada!” really the Canadian national anthem? I thought it was “No Sugar for my Coffee” by the Guess Who.

    • #102851
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Lee, just a little tussle going on here between the Merkins and the Canucks, eh?
      “O Canada, we stand on guard for Thee”.
      We also walk quite rapidly in the wintertime.

      Ok, smuggle if you wanna, but sooner or later we’re gonna catch you sitting on a bag of flour, looking uncomfortable.
      And our highly-prized wheat flour is not socialist, it’s sociable…just check in at any of our donut shops, bake shops, pizza outlets, all the places where we use it in our baked goods, and where we like to socialize the most. 😉

    • #102853
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      “Stand on guard for thee”? Really? Well that is different. Nevermind.

    • #103466

      Donna, my wife and I visisted Toronto for the first time last September; beautiful city, warm and friendly people. We will return. They had a Mexican fiesta in the city hall plaza (made us Texans feel right at home). A waiter at the CN tower told us that the official language of Toronto was “broken English” … due to all the immigrants (and I always thought it was broken French). Ce n’est pas mardi gras aujourd’hui.

      Gary

    • #103535

      Did you read about the Wendella family member that was granted a one time permission to tightrope walk across the Niagra Falls? That is crazy why would the Canadian gov. grant him permission to do that?

    • #107155
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m in Denver, which might as well be canada – 5 degrees tonight!

      play drums

    • #107213
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Currently, it’s  -22 degrees where I live, and when it warms up today it will be -18 degrees Celcius.

      It’s not just the GBS-CIDP that gives me a stiff walking gait, it’s the triple layers of clothing I wear under my snow-suit.

      I dare anyone to stick their tongue on my walker frame today! 

      (tee-hee-hee)

       

    • #109077
      Davidson74
      Member

      Q: What are the two seasons in Canada?
      A: Winter and July!

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