old age

You go girl….

Thanks for a happy spot today

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: “It makes you feel young again.”

John looks at Sylvester and says, “We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!”

Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, “Well John, do you feel young yet?”

“No,” replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, “John, do you feel younger?”

“No,” replies John, “but I sure did a childish thing!”

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, “Esther, I ‘d like to ride in that helicopter”.
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars — and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther,
I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.”
Esther replied,”Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars — and fifty
dollars is fifty dollars”.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal.
I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one
word, it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know — fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

[FONT=Book Antiqua]you guys never fail to make me laugh. Jim, once again you made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
Linda
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Exercise for Older Adults 😀

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you’ll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks. Then try 50-kg
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I’m at this level.) 😎

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the empty sacks:p

RETIRING IN PEACE

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, “Windy, ain’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “It’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a coke.”

Thanks guys for the endorphins 😀

You guys crack me up!
Dawn

A lady returned to home town after many years. She went into a dentists office and was able to fill a canceled appointment to get a tooth checked. She noticed she noticed the dentist’s name was the same as a guy in her senior class. After the examination she ask him if he graduated in 1961 and told him she was at that school.

He said yes, and then ask her “What did you teach?”

Funny how we see ourselves as being younger than those we graduated with.

SENIOR GOLFERS

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”

There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start –
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor’s in a month for a final check on the new equipment. After some tests, the doctor proclaimed, “Your hearing is perfect!”

“Thank you for helping me,” replied the elderly man.

“You’re welcome,” said the doctor. “Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

“Oh, I haven’t told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations I used to miss,” replied the elderly gentleman.

“Really?” questioned the doctor. You must still be marveling at being able to hear again and just not ready to believe it yourself. That must be why you haven’t told them.”

“Well, no that’s not it exactly, but I have changed my will three times!”

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”

From someone who is a TRUE cheapskate, that was great!! I’m still laughing…

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

DRIVING MISS CRAZY

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, “Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?”

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

“Well,” asked Mrs. Silver, “is she all right?”

“She’s fine, except that she’s pissed at you.”

“At me?” the woman exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

“She said ‘It’s none of your business how old she is,'” snickered Timmy.

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN – I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN – I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start –
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. “These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”

A NOTE FROM A SENIOR CITIZEN

What are seniors citizens worth? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John. After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I’m really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, ‘Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself…’What am I here after?’

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.