Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

Great Dave — Thanks:cool:

A priest was distracted by a very attractive woman sitting in the front pew in a seethrough blouse. He caught himself studdering and forgetting his place in the sermon several times.

As mass was over he made a beeline to the door to catch up with her.

As he asked as gracefully as possible for her to not wear the seethrough blouse again, she replied: ” But Father, I have a devine right!”

The priest replied: ” You have a devine left also but PLEASE don’t wear it again”.

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”

“Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, “And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Her son quickly responded, “Because people are sleeping!”

The Bible By Kids

This comes from. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

A good hard working engineer died and was erroneously sent to Hell. Once there, he went to work reorganizing everything. He installed air-conditioning, cooling jets, refrigeration, the works.

Meantime, up in Heaven, the snafu was discovered and God sent and angry message down to Hell. “I request the immediate return of the engineer you have there. He belongs with us!”…

“No way”, replied the Devil, “here he came, here he stays”….”If you do not comply instantly, I will sue you!” exclaimed God.

“And where are you going to find a lawyer up there?”…came back the Devil.

I want a hamberger-now!! Hey Dave what’s that fried thing laying in the plate next to the burger?

Thanks for the jokes y’all. I sure did need that laughter 🙂

it looks like a fried pickle or maybe a mozzarella stick. everytime I see his posts I get really hungry!:D

Planing to use this next Sunday

This millionaire wanted to take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japanese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.
When he died and arrived at Heaven’s gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permission to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.
St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, “Oh, yes. That’s just pavement, please come in!”

A priest whose sermons were very long and boring, announced in the church on a Sunday that he had been transferred to another church and that it was Jesus’ wish that he leave that week.

The gathering in the church got up and sang : “What a Friend we have in Jesus !”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant’s owner waited nervously for the clerics’ reaction.
“Quick, man,” he whispered to the waiter, “what did they say?”
“Nothing,” replied the waiter. “They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.”

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!”

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Congregational Minister were out fishing in a boat. The minister and the priest got into a conversation about when life begins. The priest of course, said that life begins and the moment of conception. while the minister argued that life begins when the fetus developes a brain. This went on for some time. Eventually the rabbi pipes up…”Boys, boys, you’re both wrong. Life begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies”.

The manager of a firm posted a THINK sign over the sink of the staff washroom. The next day a staff member had posted a second sign over the soap container. It said THOAP.

A young boy returned home from Sunday school. Mom ask him what the lesson was about.

Well, It was about Moses and the Hebrews being attacked by the Egyptian Army, So Moses called out his tanks, and fighter planes to attack the attacking army. Then he called in the transport ships and take all the Hebrews across the red sea. When they were out of range the aircraft dropped a big bomb that killed the Egyptian Army.

Mom was very shocked, and ask “Is that really what you were taught?”

The boy replied, “Well not really, but if you don’t believe that you sure won’t believe what they told me.”

Preacher with bandaid on his chin; “I’m sorry about this bandaid. I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon”

Voice from the congregation: “Next time why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?”

Noticing that his son was studying while watching TV and listening to music, a father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was President.”

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Mom gets us Ice Cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for Ice Cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my son asked.

“Cross my heart.” Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “too bad she never asks God for Ice Cream. A little Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my kid Ice Cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his Sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already!”

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear,”

A guy goes to Mexico to visit his cousin. When he arrives at his aunt’s house in Mexico his aunt informs him that his cousin was killed by weasle. A little weasle? Si, the train was coming ande he couldn’t hear the whistle.(with a Mexican accent)
I can tell that joke because I’m Mexican

This is a true story, funny all the same. My dad, (mexican dude) is chilling out in the bathtub while his girlfried is putting her make-up on. She grabbed a bottle of 409 and sprays him with it. He jumps up and says, “wHAT the heck are you doing”
She says, “I thought it said “spick”remover

Why did “tigger” look in the toilet?———————He was looking for “Pooh” what a knee slapper. I got a million of them.

A young boy took his piggy bank and said “This is for you Bishop.”
The Bishop said, “We’ll just put it right here with the rest of the donations.
The Boy responded, “No Bishop this is for you?”
Bishop ask “Why is it for me?”
The boy replied, “Mom and Dad says that you are the poorest Bishop we have ever had?

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the one dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”

“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”

The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ….”

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?

A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn’t be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can’t even swim!”

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon.”

“Well then, how come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.

A church had to hire a new pastor.
Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing.
The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.
When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that they would just have to go back and get it.
The new pastor said that wouldn’t be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have brought her fishing.
She can’t even swim!”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gate of Heaven”. Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.”

A minister was walking to church one morning when he passed one of his members working in his garden. “Can’t you hear those bells calling you to church?” asked the minister.

“Eh, what’s that?” said the member.

“Can’t you hear those bells calling you to church?”

“I’m afraid you’ll have to speak a little louder!” said the member.

“CAN’T YOU HEAR THOSE BELLS CALLING YOU TO CHURCH?!” shouted the minister.

“I’m sorry,” said the member, “I can’t hear you because of those darned BELLS!”

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today!

“There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!

“And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

“Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.

I’m having a real good time like I am.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

“That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

“And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied,

“Because people are sleeping.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

“Ryan, you be Jesus!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

“Did God throw him back down?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

“Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

“Why do you keep reading the Bible everyday?” the teenage girl asked her grandfather.

“Well, it’s a bit like cramming for your final exam,” said Grandpa.

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

A little boy was overhead praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.

At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.

“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:

I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man’s story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: “Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!”

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how
Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed
him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny
replied, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon.”

“Well then, how come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.

owboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”

An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter’s room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.
What on earth are you up to?” he asked.
“I’m saying my prayers,” explained the little girl.
“But I can’t think of exactly the right words tonight, so I’m just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I’m thinking.”

At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.

“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:

I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man’s story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: “Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!”

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Pastor, that was a very good sermon.” The pastor says, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.” “It wasn’t THAT good!” she says.

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising “Christian Puppies.” Their interest piqued, they go inside.

“How do you know they’re Christian puppies?”

“Watch,” says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, “Fetch the Bible.” The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, “Find Psalm 23.” The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks “Does he also know ‘regular’ commands?”

“Gee, we don’t know. We didn’t ask,” replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, “Sit.” The dog sits. He says, “Lie down.” The dog lies down. He says “Roll over.” The dog rolls over.

He says “Heel.” The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner’s forehead and bows his head.

“Oh look!” the wife exclaims. “He’s PENTECOSTAL!”

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
‘How many women can a man marry?’
‘Sixteen,’ the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
‘How do you know that?’

‘Easy,’ the little boy said.
‘All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.’

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?”

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls
it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
all the money!”

[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”4″][COLOR=”Blue”]A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing ‘Shell’ sign…and somebody was standing in front of the “S”! [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A
small child replied, “They couldn’t get a
baby-sitter.”

Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s somethin’ I can’t figger out.” “What’s that Joey?” asked Goldblatt.

“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?”

“Er–right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you’re right.”

“An’ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an’ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ somethin’ important, right?”

“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So what’s your question?”

“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the pastor!”

The top ten reasons men should join the church choir:

10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.

9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.

8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called “Who’s Praying, Who’s Sleeping?”

7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.

6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you’ve been singing with us for a few weeks.

5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.

4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it’s soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it’s a lot easier on the knees than jogging.

3. If you think you’ve done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.

2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don’t worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)

And the number 1 reason men should join the choir:

1. When people ask you whether you’ve been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, “Hey, I’m a Choir Boy.”

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?” “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

MOSES AND THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians … and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60’s.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn’t listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors.”

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What
would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?” Tommy answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just did it!”

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here
and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee.”

The wife replied, “No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that; show me!”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says……….

“HEBREWS”

Church Sign — Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

One Sunday after the preacher had preached a vigorous sermon, he was met by a little old lady at the door who said, “You know Pastor, every sermon you preach is better than your next one.”

Jim, I like that.

A young boy took a jar of pennies to church and offered it to the minister.

The minister ask, “Are you giving that to the Church?”

The Boy answere, “No, it is for you. Mom and Dad said you are the poorest minister we have ever had.”

A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign that read “Turn Around. The End Is Near.”

The motorist didn’t like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, “Mind your own business, you religious nuts!”

A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash.

The rabbi turned to the priest and said, “I told you we should’ve just written, ‘Bridge Out.’ “

THE HAIRCUT

A young boy had just received his driver’s permit and asked His father
if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son.

“You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the
offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud.
You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed you didn’t get your hair cut.”

The young man paused a moment then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been
thinking about that,

and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had

long hair, Moses had long hair And there’s even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?”

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.
There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, “Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door.”

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, “I want a shave!” The barber said, “Sure, just sit in the seat and I’ll be with you in a moment.” The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, “God, the first customer came in and I’m going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen.”

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying “Good morning sir. I have a question for you… Are you ready to die?”

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
“I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,
“It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible
to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable
in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
“Good morning, Lord,”
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good
Lord, it’s morning.”

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
“I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…”Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

If Students Wrote the Bible

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning–cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five–double-spaced and written in a large font.

New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s email to [email]abuse@romans.gov[/email].

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people collect all the money!”

Thanks for sharing these! I am always telling these jokes to my mom and she loves getting them! Plus I enjoy reading them too~ Thank-you!

Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage – 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Fireman Dave and Jeff! Great jokes! ROFL!

A very small female janitor (4’10’, 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the trash.

As she was getting ready to start cleaning up her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets.

When the supervisor asked her what she was doing, she said, “It’s very windy out there and I’ll get knocked over by the wind… So, now I weigh me down to sweep.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A
small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because, I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.

“What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”

Lucy paused, smiled and said, “Then, I’d be an atheist!”

You Never Hear in Church

Hey! It’s MY turn to sit on the front pew!

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.

I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!

Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

I alway’s found it funny in my Church when it was almost ending for the day. You would see all the people squirming in their seats. LOL! After Church you go out to lunch somewhere with a few of them and start talking about how your fanny was getting sore sitting so long! I enjoy going to Church but those last few minutes sitting in those pews start making you squirm! Especially if the pews have solid wood seats.

A woman by the name of Gladys Dunne was visiting a church for the first time. After the service, as the congregation was exchanging greetings, she extended her hand to a parishoner and said, “Hi, I’m Gladys Dunn.” The parishoner says, “I’m glad he’s done, too!”

Good one Jim! Too funny~ Thanks for making me laugh!

Don’t let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisers.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one..
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The good Lord didn’t create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close..
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When you get to your wit’s end,
you’ll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church…
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong..
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If the church wants a better preacher,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile..
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A lot of church members who are singing
‘Standing on the Promises’
are just sitting on the premises.
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We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges..
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Be ye fishers of men.. You catch
them – He’ll clean them.
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Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don’t put a question mark
where God put a period.
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Don’t wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn’t call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers
‘fruit of the spirit’ over a ‘religious nut!’
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God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you..
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We don’t change the message,
the message changes us
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You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation
I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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May God and His Son bless you
From today on out!
I bet someone will LOVE it
just as much as you did.