Jokes about Profesionals
AnonymousJanuary 23, 2008 at 11:13 am
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
AnonymousApril 4, 2008 at 12:07 am
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
AnonymousApril 4, 2008 at 12:23 am
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, “Joe, how much is three times three?” Joe responds “59.” He goes over to Tom and asks, “Tom, how much is three times three?” Tom responds, “Wednesday.” He finally goes over to John and asks, “John, how much is three times three?” “NINE” replies John. “That’s right …now how did you come to that answer?” “It was easy…I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!”
AnonymousApril 7, 2008 at 7:35 am
Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
AnonymousApril 12, 2008 at 8:16 am
Two young boys Bob and Jim were talking started discusing their father’s work.
Bob discribed his father work on the farm and how his dad made it so much fun for him.
Jim replied, It sound like you have a great time on the farm. My dad is a lawyer.
Jim: No just a regular lawyer.
I’ve always like that joke because a lawyer I know was the one who told it to me.
AnonymousApril 13, 2008 at 9:17 am
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please.” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that”, the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No.” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she said.
“Good”, he answered.
AnonymousApril 22, 2008 at 12:57 am
A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”
AnonymousJune 26, 2008 at 10:06 pm
As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener.
A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and “pop!”
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, “Assume the can is open, assume the can is open…”
AnonymousJuly 1, 2008 at 12:37 am
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.
AnonymousJuly 1, 2008 at 11:47 am
Continuing the lawyer quiz:
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You should take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
What is brown and black and is good on a lawyer?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures don’t rack up frequent flier miles.
What is the difference between a dead possum in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
There is often skid marks near the dead possum.
AnonymousJuly 1, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Rules Of Washington D.C. Professional Politicians:
– If it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting dirty for.
– Don’t lie, cheat or steal…unnecessarily.
– There is always one more son of a gun than you counted on.
– An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
– The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
– Chicken little only has to be right once.
– “NO” is only an interim response.
– You can’t kill a bad idea.
– If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
– The truth is a variable.
– A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
– You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
– A promise is not a guarantee.
– If you can’t counter the argument, leave the meeting.
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