And Then The Fight Started…

    • Anonymous
      September 8, 2009 at 12:41 pm


      My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
      I said, ‘Dust.’

      And then the fight started…


      My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her
      and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
      “No,” she answered.
      I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
      She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
      So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

      And then the fight started….


      Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly
      into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
      downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
      discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
      I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back,
      now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

      My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

      And that’s how the fight started…


      I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver
      got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
      funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
      He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!”

      So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

      And then the fight started…..


      My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
      She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
      I bought her a scale.

      And then the fight started…


      When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
      so, I took her to a gas station.

      And then the fight started…


      After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
      The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
      I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
      very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
      The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
      ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application

      When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
      She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

      And then the fight started….


      My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
      swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
      My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
      ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
      those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

      ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

      And then the fight started…


      I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
      “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
      Nah, she can order for herself.”

      And then the fight started…


      A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees
      and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

      The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

      And then the fight started…..
      Hope this gives everyone a laugh…we can use a laugh every now and then…KEDASO (Ken)

    • Anonymous
      September 8, 2009 at 4:03 pm

      All except for the last one – that actual happen the other night…:rolleyes:

    • Anonymous
      September 10, 2009 at 12:23 am

      thanks ken those were good
      these arent really jokes just random thoughts I cut and pasted

      -I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

      -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can
      think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell
      my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves

      -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
      realize you’re wrong.

      -I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
      have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
      sticks when they’ve invented the lighter.

      -I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was

      -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
      work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
      fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
      know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
      or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

      -There is a great need for sarcasm font.

      -Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
      suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
      saw it.

      -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
      becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting
      90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s
      laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
      bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the
      only one who really, really gets it.

      -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

      -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
      take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

      – I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
      your computer history if you die.

      -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
      finish a text.

      – A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
      spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

      – LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to

      – I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

      – Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”,
      all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

      – How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
      and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

      – I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
      to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

      – Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
      examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
      idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and
      said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

      – While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
      instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

      – MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
      know how to get out of my neighborhood.

      – Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
      person died.

      – I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
      shower first and THEN turn on the water.

      -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
      and you can wear them forever.

      -I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

      – Bad decisions make good stories.

      -Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
      profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
      the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if
      I do!

      -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
      would probably just be completely invisible.

      -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
      around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
      nervous? I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
      a problem….

      -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
      when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
      productive for the rest of the day.

      -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
      want to have to restart my collection.

      -There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
      going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

      -I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
      if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
      swear I did not make any changes to.

      – “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this….ever.

      -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
      watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will
      they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t
      watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and
      leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

      -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
      Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
      goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone
      and run away?

      – I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
      seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

      – When you go back to your hometown you have to make a point of
      looking good so that you don’t run into anyone you know, because if
      you look like crap you run into everyone you haven’t seen since high school.

      -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
      then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

      -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
      speed for pedophiles…

      – As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
      but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

      -Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
      not know what time it is.

      -I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
      answer when they call.

      -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to
      with it.

      -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
      keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
      Donkey – but I?d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
      button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
      every time…

      -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
      drive behind obeys the speed limit.

      -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

      -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
      Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.