Thanks for reply cheryl

February 20, 2007 at 4:01 pm

Thanks for reply cheryl,
to be honest, I just don’t have the money for more doctors, and i have just been kicked too many times while i was already down – cannot fight by myself anymore. i have been hearing impaired since childhood so i can’t even phone anybody – can’t drive anmore, can barely write legibly – i have a sharp brain but it’s not getting much exercise lately.
I learned to adapt with 75% hearing loss – boy do people make fun of you when you’re a child and you can’t hear and they don’t know it (i can’t even wear my hearing aids anymore cause it casues so much face and neck spasms). Then I was physically injured – helping a disbled person – in ’96 – i tried to be optimistic. Hurt my thoracic spine by lifting “correctly”. unbelievable. Then my whole system, after years of constant pain and infections – it’s like i wore myself out – only on the inside, then.
of course now pain shows up like bad makeup applied to my face.
i am so tired now, no support, unmarried, no kids, no family – i am almost 48 and have spent most of my life as an outsider looking in. personally, the next time i go to a hospital hopefully i will be in a body bag – that’s just how i feel. since my last hospital visit i had 2 relapses – the 2nd relapse i didn’t even know i was on my period until, well, i’m sure you can figure that out – good old visual cues – so i wrote a living will to ensure that if the next time the loss of muscles and sensations moves higher up – past my ribs, that they can only put me on a ventilator for 6 hours (if i cannot speak – if i can speak i am not going to a hospital – period) – that way i won’t leave too many hospital bills behind for the “medical community” to sucker someone with. I spent 8 years as a hospice volunteer for people with aids – i was a clown and performed for free. money never meant a thing to me unless someone else could benefit from it. I paid my rent and food and taxes – the rest – well you can imagine the cost for needs of people dying from a disease no one cared about – especially back then – not even their own families visited them. That’s how i feel now. i was once so strong and athletic and – busy – i slept 4 hours each night, maximum. now, i might sleep 2 hours – it’s a long 2 hours, though – not very restful. I recently had surgery for something else january and am having treatments every day for one more month or so, i’ve been ‘lurking’ at this site a few months now. i don’t feel sorry for myself – just seems like i am wasting good air and someone ready to be born is waiting for me to pack it in. good thing i am against suicide or they’d be in their crib gulping down their formula right about now.

at least i know the true nature of most people – most people could care less about the misery of another – unless that person’s misery interfered with their day. that’s reality and i hate thinking like that, but that’s what happens when one person sees things as they are – and is powerless to change it. well, i will lurk for a bit more – while i have a pc and an internet connection.
have a good day, and be well, lorri