An even sadder state of things

The CT scan was done within several minutes on Monday night.
I went back to my doctor again today, as I was told to do. And basically, I find that he is definitely taking the position of denying the symptoms I describe to him, stating that he doesn’t see the evidence.
Also today he told me to see a psychiatrist at this point.
The gist of it went like this: “Now Donna, I’m not saying you’re nuts, but psychological problems would make you feel you have these symptoms. I then asked him if he was saying that I’m imagining all of these things for the past 20 months. And he just talked around in circles, and came back to the point that I must be having psychological problems. Then I said that there was no doubt that I have been feeling emotionally troubled and upset in the 20 months of suffering I’ve had, especially since I’ve gone everywhere several times and have received no acknowledgement or help.”

It was difficult, but I kept my cool. They are obviously covering up for their medical mistakes, and it would be really easy to push it all under the rug at this point, and say I’ve got psychological problems.

I reiterated the symptoms I’ve had since that flu shot, reminded him that I rode my bike for nearly 10 years in this town, and to that flu shot, and that the symptoms started immediately afterward. And that I’ve been crippled since. I can see that he cares nothing for what I’ve suffered in these 20 months. I’m shocked and hurt that he’s taking an adversarial approach to dealing with me.

He did state that he will be ordering an MRI and a visit to the neurologist for me, but was completely agitated during the interview, and wanted to end it several times. He doesn’t care that right now my vision is flickering from dark to light, that my legs are swollent to twice the size they should be, that I have no reflexes in my knees, that I am staggering and shuffling at every step and use a cane and a medical walker in order to walk, or that my lower spine is in constant pain. He didn’t appear to listen, and offered no medical treatment for my immediate problems. My hair is long, and I showed him the line of where my natural hair colour turned grayish at the time of the first onset of this terrible illness. I showed him my fingernails, which are ridged and dented with indentations which never existed before all of this. He just seemed to get more haughty, and only made more and more efforts to exercise control over me. (I’ve dealt with him for 11 years now, and his manner with his patients is often the talk of the town. But we have no choices here; he’s the head doctor, and the other doctor isn’t accepting new patients.)

However, I just cooly and calmly kept stating my symptoms to him, and the position I’ve been left in. I also stated that “science did this to me, and science is not going to be able to fix me, because it’s too late now”.

One more thing: in my part of Canada, the dumping ground for the patients that the doctors don’t want to deal with for one reason or another, (sometimes medical mistakes) is always the psychiatric course. But I refuse to be termed “a nut case”; I will state the truth and stand by it.
As well, in the new rules of our system, social assistance is only available to people who have been termed psychiatrically unfit for work. All others are expected to fulfill their job interview/work quota in order to qualify for municipal assistance. I am vulnerable and powerless due to my illness, limited resources and social status; and it looks like this is how they have chosen to deal with me.
I would really like to see the medical people acknowledge what has happened to me, but that would involve accountability, and an admission of negligence on their part, so of course they prefer to protect themselves at all costs.

At this point, I have some money in term deposits in my local bank, so I couldn’t possibly qualify for social assistance on any terms anyway. I can use this money for an emergency fund and also to live on for as long as possible if my employment income keeps dropping. I am still teaching music, I just don’t have any more students till September, that is, IF I have students.
I had a bit of good news yesterday; 2 of my students have pre-registered for the fall term, (though that could change; it certainly has often enough before) so I still have [B]hope[/B] of earning a living. There may be people who don’t mind my crippled legs, mistakes, forgetfulness, and diminished skills. If so, that’s wonderful! I’ve worked so hard for this career in the 25 years I’ve been a music teacher, that it would certainly be hard to lose everything.

At this point, I see my doctor for what he really is–heartless, careless and useless; and have committed the entire matter to the Lord, without emotion. I am going to try to overcome this experience somehow, in my soul and spirit, and not let it get to me. God knows what I’ve suffered, and what still lies before me.
But no matter what happens, my doctor will certainly have to stand before God some day, answer to Him for every one of his actions, and be judged.
As we all will, myself included.

A trip to Winnipeg for the MRI will drain some of my finances, but I will go through with it, though I have no hope of my medical condition being dealt with, after dealing with a doctor like this. Most likely, my prospects are nil or poor at this point.

In the meantime, I will proceed with my life as usual, as much as I am able.
I have a tiny container garden in the back of my rented townhouse, and though it is now exhausting and painful to work with it, I still enjoy plants, and they give me some food for my table. Also, I have the capacity to make money last a long time, and have many basic homemaking skills which enable me to cope with my needs. Most of all, I have the Lord, and He will take care of me in this life, and receive me to Himself when the time comes to leave it behind. And He is also the one who comforts us with the Scriptures which state:
“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever”.
If God is my only portion in this life…He is sufficient.

And though this has all been a horrible experience for me, I do know that I still have many blessings in this life for which to be grateful.
Right now I am bewildered and hurting, but trusting God in the struggle of it all,
Thank-you all for your understanding, support and fellowship; it has helped me so very much!! I don’t know how I could have handled all of this without this group. It would sure be hard to deal with everything otherwise.
Good-bye for now, and God bless you! Will be in touch again,
Donna