Teacher Jokes.

I had a student show up to an exam stoned and unmotivated. When I graded his exam, I had no choice to give him an “F” because he got only 5% of the answers correct. He came up to me after I handed out the exams and asked me, “Hey, do you really think I deserve this “F”?

After some thought, I answered, “No, but I’m going to have to draw the line somewhere, I would run out of alphabet.”

The student retook my class and eventually got his act together, becoming the maintenance and technology chief of the state lottery.

The absent-minded professor paused to chat awhile with one of his students, then asked, “Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?”
“That way,” the student pointed.
”Good,” said the professor, ”then I’ve had my lunch.”

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Pedro’s First Day At School

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Lets begin by reviewing some American history…who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?” Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about it’s history than you do!” She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Pedro put his hand up. “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991 after sucking down squid tentacles.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, “You little fart, if you say anything else I’ll kill you!” Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh crap, we’re in BIG trouble now!”

Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

1960s ARITHMETIC TEST: “A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?”
‘70s new-math test: “A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of Set M is 100. The Set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What cardinality of Set P of profits?”
‘80s “dumb down” version: “A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20.”
‘90s version: “An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way to make money. Topic for discussion: How did the forests and squirrels feel?”

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ‘6’”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”
“What’s the #@&%@! difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said!”

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!

Like sh_t.

The kindergarten teacher was standing outside her room as the children entered one morning. Along came little David, deliberately winking his left eye.
“Why, David,” said the teacher, “are you winking at me?”
“No, just got my turn signal on,” David replied, making a neat left turn into his room.

“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”

The fifth grader came home from school bubbling with excitement after having been voted “Prettiest Girl in the Class.” She was even more excited when she came home the next day after the class had voted her “Most Popular.” But several days later when she announced she had won a third contest, she was somewhat subdued.
“What were you voted this time?” her mother asked.
“Most Stuck-up,'” the girl replied.

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.” ”

That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”

“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”

“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.

“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

“Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

“Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest’s collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”

“Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, “What changed your mind about learning math?”

The son looked at mom and dad and said, “Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher’s desk and I knew they meant business.”

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card.
“What is this 45 in math?” asked her father.
“I think that’s the size of the class,” she said quickly!

If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left ?
I don’t know.
Why not ?
In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.

When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school.

Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it.

She said, “Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

[SIZE=”3″]Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land.

“Wise counselor,” Nathan began, “it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them down the road of knowledge. Please tell me the secret of becoming a teacher.”

“Your goal is a commendable one, Nathan. However, it is also a very difficult one to achieve. First you must overcome three major obstacles.”

“I am ready to meet the challenge,” answered Nathan bravely.

“First you must swim the Sea of Children,” directed the knowing counselor.

Nathan started off to swim the Sea of Children. First he had to learn their 38 names. He had to send the line cutters to the end of the line. He made the paper throwers stay after school to clean the room.

He commanded the name callers, pushers, and punchers to apologize to their victims. He gave M&M’s to those who finished assignments and stars to those who were sitting in their seats quietly. Nathan checked passes to see how many children were in the bathroom. And he tracked down students who were gone longer than was necessary. He arranged the desks in alphabetical order, then boy-girl, boy-girl, and finally into small groups of four. He lined his children up for physical education and music and library and lunch. Then he stifled a cry when the secretary came into the room with number 39. Tired and shaken but still undefeated, Nathan returned to the counselor for his second task.

“You are a very determined lad,” said the advisor. “However, now you must climb the Mountain of Paperwork.”

Nathan set out at once. He wrote objectives and drew up lesson plans.

He made out report cards and graded papers. He filled out accident reports, attendance reports and withdrawal reports. He completed inventories, evaluations, surveys, and request forms. Finally, he made dittos and more dittos. He ran them off until he was purple in the face. But the courageous boy’s resolve never dwindled. He went to the wise counselor for his third task.

“You are indeed very strong, Nathan. But this third task will take all the courage you can muster. You must now cross the country of Duties and Committees.”

At first Nathan was hesitant. But his convictions remained steadfast. He began his long journey across the country of Duties and Committees.

Nathan took lunch duty, bus duty, and recess duty. He was on the social committee, patrol committee, and the faculty advisory committee. He was the adult supervisor of the student government and ran the United Fund and Easter Seal drives. He went to PTA meetings, NRA meetings, SST meetings, School Site meetings, and in-service workshops. He organized bicentennial programs, talent shows, and book drives. Finally, he was elected the building representative of the union. At last Nathan reached the outskirts of Duties and Committees.

Exhausted but happy, he returned to the knowledgeable counselor.

“I swam the Sea of Children. I climbed the Mountain of Paperwork. I crossed the country of Duties and Committees,” Nathan proclaimed. “Am I not worthy of the title of Teacher?”

“Why, Nathan,” began the counselor, “you have been a teacher all along.”

Nathan protested, “But I have not stimulated any minds. I have not guided anyone down the road to knowledge, I have not had any time to teach”

“Oh, you say you want to TEACH! I thought you said you wanted to be a teacher. That is a completely different story!! [/SIZE]

Pupil: The art teacher doesn’t like what I’m making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?
Pupil: Mistakes !

Teacher: Fred, I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you’ve only done it 7 times ?
Pupil: Looks like my counting isn’t too good either !

During Geography class:

Teacher: Name three famous poles ?
Student: North, south and tad !

Pupil answering a question on a biology exam:
“Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones”.

…Sounds like GBS to me!

We had one very forgetful teacher.
The first thing he did when he came into the classroom was write his name on the blackboard. And every day it was a different name.

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.” He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

TEACHER: Where do blue eggs come from?
PUPIL: From sad chickens

Getting close to time for school to start in some areas. Here is a teacher joke!

Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !

Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”
Sam: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”
Sam: “Bow, wow, wow!”

A class went on a school trip to Rome. On the Sunday they all went to church and when they came out the teacher said, `I hope you all behaved.’ .
`Oh, yes, sir,’ said one girl. `A kind man offered me a plate full of money but I said, “no thanks”.

Just about time to return to school.
Things students might do on the first day of school.
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!”

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!”

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

Teacher, trying to make use of her psychology courses, started class by saying,
‘Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!’
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
Teacher – ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’
Little Johnny – ‘No ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

[SIZE=”5″]You Might Be a Schoolteacher if…[/SIZE]

you have no time for a life from August to June.

you want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”

when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

you refer to adults as “boys and girls.”

you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a “good helper.”

you’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”

you believe “extremely annoying” should have its own box on the report card.

you know hundred good reasons for being late.

I’m going to have to show these cute jokes to my daughter. She is a school teacher and I have actually experienced her teaching skills in my home! LOL! She didn’t even realize what she said to me either! ROFL!

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America …
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Thanks for giving me the laughter! I needed these this morning! Too cute

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.