Please Accept My Apology
AnonymousOctober 14, 2007 at 12:22 am
I Dont Know If I Reached Everyone But I Have Been So Bummed Out Since Getting Everyones Response To My Last Post. First Let Me Say Thank You To Everyone Who Responded And Set Me Straight. Julie, I Loved Your Poem. And Everyone Else I Appreciate Your Honesty. I Really Didnt Think I Was Saying Anything Other Than, “i Cant Imagine Who Could Care Anymore About My Crap Cause I Am So Sick Of It”, But When I Told My Partner About How Mad You Guys Got She Said, “you Do That. You Test People When You Are In Pain And You Dont Think You Deserve Anything From Others. You Test To See If People You Care About Will Show They Care Even If You Push Them. And You Are Angry.” Man, She Really Nailed Me And It Was Eye Opening. I Didnt Even Realize I Do That But I Think She Is Right And I Apologize For Putting That On You Guys Who Are Going Through Enough Of Your Own Stuff.
Jeff Suggested A Physciatrist Which Made Me So Embarrassed Because I Know I Have Been Sounding Emotionally Imbalanced. I Have Been In Therapy For Many Years And Am On Anti-depressants So Imagine If I Werent. I Guess When I Found This Site, And Because It Is So Easy To Hide Behind Its Annonimity, I Let Myself Really Be Unchecked And Messy. I Am So Sorry Because I Realize How Much Ive Come To Rely On Seeing Your Posts And Getting To Know Many Of You. It Is Also Important To Me That I Am A Source Of Help, Not Hindrance. So Once Again I Thank You For Helping Me Look At Myself And For Graciously Understanding.
AnonymousOctober 14, 2007 at 2:28 am
No need for an apology. I recall a few times my daughter lashed out at me. It hurt momentarily, but at the same time, I realized how much she was hurting. I just took it as a sign that she still had some “fight” left in her – and that was a good thing.
I try to read most of the posts on this section of the forums – but often don’t respond. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that I go to bed feeling despair, but then wake each day with renewed hope for progress. You, or anyone else, can beat up on me anytime you feel it helps – I can take it!
Julie – I too loved your poem! –and posts.
Best wishes to all, and to all a good night.
AnonymousOctober 14, 2007 at 3:43 am
You all are too kind – I was totally embarrased to post the poem, but then again this is the place where you have to open up to both give and receive support.
Been there, done that – got the T-shirt and the doormat. My ultra-patient husband recognizes my need for a nap by how irritable and depressed I get and now I’m starting to recognize the signs too. My brain is the first thing that slows down when I am exhausted and I turn into a two-year old having a tantrum. It’s hard at that point to tell myself to go lie down because I usually don’t want to/have to yet. However, I have learned that I make snap decisions and say things I regret later if I don’t go turn my brain off for awhile. Later after a nap I go back and review what was making me so frustrated or sad and it looks completely different and more manageable. Knowing what is going on with you is invaluable, from now on when you get in that situation you will remember your partner’s wise words and pause to think about it. It takes awhile but I can change my reflexive behaviors if I deliberately seek them out and find ways to change. It’s hard to hear things about ourselves that we don’t admire but it’s harder yet to find someone who will point them out to you in such a loving way. You are very lucky in that you found each other – I doubt that your partner would have been attracted to you if you were not also a kind and loving person. Being sick makes it harder for our true personalities to come out but it’s still there, waiting for you to wake up from a nap. 😉
And Jeff was suggesting a physiatrist – a physician who deals with rehabilitation and managing your disability to get the most out of life. Your physiatrist might suggest a psychiatrist but I don’t think that’s what Jeff meant. I had heard of a physiatrist before but never really understood what it was until I went looking in Wikipedia. Now that I have a better understanding what they do I think this is the missing link I’ve been needing in my repertoire of physicians so I’m going to hunt one down and see what I can do to improve my day to day life. 😎
Take care Linda and take plenty of naps. 😀
AnonymousOctober 14, 2007 at 7:23 am
You do not need to aplogize. You responded to my Sad post several weeks ago. You helped me by giving me perspective.
We all have meltdowns. The pain, fatigue, meds, dealing with drs, etc put such a mental drain on all of us that one cannot help but lash out sometimes.
With all that you are dealing with it is impossible to be upbeat and perky all the time. Julie is so right the brain is first to go. Once the brain tires patience, understanding, and reason go out the window.
Hang in there and God Bless you as you continue to heal,
PS: Thank YOU for helping me.
AnonymousOctober 14, 2007 at 4:57 pm
You don’t need to apologize. Someday things get so bad you just have to unload. This is the place to do it. That’s what friends are for. I read all the responses and I don’t think any “got mad” at you. I read lots of concern and love.
Hang in there. Remember, some days you get the bear. Some days the bear gets you. The trick is to keep on going.
AnonymousOctober 14, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Hi Linda: I am sorry my response embarrassed you-I did mean a physiatrist, not a psychiatrist. My physiatrist coordinated all of my treatment, medication, other doctors, knee braces etc. and was of great help to me-as I said, he changed my life and helped eliminate most of my pain. It sounds like you got a good insight from your partner and those, however hard, always help. Jeff
AnonymousOctober 16, 2007 at 9:58 pm
I hope you’re feeling better knowing there are people here who care! LOL I think the rest of us realized that Jeff meant physiatrist, but you were probably reading too quickly. No need to be embarrassed! I’m a caregiver to my fiance Ben, and this past June I was blubbering like a big baby to his neurologist because we had been at the hospital for two days, and he was the only one who seemed to care about the pain Ben was in. I had to call his partner in the middle of the night and let him have it because he wasn’t prescribing any pain meds. The next morning, when our neurologist came in, I ended up telling him I loved him, but I didn’t like anyone else! Fortunately, he knows me well enough to know that behavior was out of character for me, and he ordered me to go home and get some sleep! What’s funny is that I don’t regret any of it, and I think he was even flattered by my comments. At any rate, we all get angry, whether we’re the patient or caregiver, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to apologize!
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