Clean Jokes

[B]Fed Ex and UPS are combining companies, their new name will be

[SIZE=”6″]FEDUP[/SIZE][/B]

What’s round and bad-tempered??

[B]A vicious circle[/B]

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

[B]His powder puff is on the wrong end.[/B]

What do you get when you cross poison-ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

[B]A rash of good luck.[/B]

Lee stop me, I have so many of these jokes and I’m afraid I’ll be doing this for way to many days.:eek:

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, ” Dr. I think I’m a dog.”
The psychiatrist says, “Well, sit down and we’ll talk about it.”
The guy says, ” I can’t, I’m not allowed on the couch.”

I am temporarily stopping Brandy until Lee shows up :p

Did you hear about the duck who went to the drugstore and asked the pharmacist to give him a chapstick and up it on his bill??

What is despair?

Da tire you keep in da trunk of da car . . .:D

Thanks Lee and Donna for the smiles!

Suzanne

[B]Beware of Dog [/B]

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.

“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

[B]Seeing Eye Chihuahua [/B]

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincer and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincer says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincer puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Doberman Pincer says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincer?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “hey why not?,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?”

[B] Does Your Dog Bite [/B]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. “Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” the tourist asked.

The old man replied, “Nope.”

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”

The old man replied, “Ain’t my dog.”

[B]Gone to the Dogs [/B]

There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air.

He wasn’t sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead.

He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.

The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, “$550” The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, “Fifty for the visit, and $500 for the cat-scan…”

.

[B] Doggie Contest[/B]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and
dislikes.”
He addressed the man,
“Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s
Pillsbury, isn’t it?

Secret Formula
The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983….

What happens when a frog is parked illegally?

It’s toad away 🙂

I don’t know if this is a 100% “clean” joke, but it has no “bad” words and I, at least, think it has a unexpected and funny punch-line.:D

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today..” The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”:o

John Was In Trouble…

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She
told him… “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning John got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put
on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

John has been missing since last Friday

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.They were amazed by almost everything they saw,but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked,”Paw,what’s at?”
The father(never having seen an elevator)responded,”Son,I dunno.I ain’t never seen anything like that.I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching,a fat ugly old lady came up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and she walked between them into a small room.The walls closed and the father and son watched the small circular numbers light up sequentially.They continued to watch until it reached the last number,and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,shapely,24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father,not taking his eyes off the young woman,said quietly to his son,…
“Boy…go gitcha momma”

Do you know the definition of a vitamin?

It’s what you do when a friend comes to your door;)

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

Simple Operation
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

Funny Ads
These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)

– We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

– For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

– Great Dames for sale.

– Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

– Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

– Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

– Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

– If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Maiden Name Reinstated
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.

“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.

“No,” I replied.

“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order.

Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before.
This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you?
Why are you so well behaved and quiet?”

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said,
“Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and
found us quiet, you would drop dead.”

Kansas
My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?”

The tollbooth attendant didn’t miss a beat. She answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

Jock in Trouble
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial problems. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. “God, please help me. Ah’ve lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah’m going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!”

Lottery night! Someone else wins… Jock prays again. “God, please let me win the lottery! Ah’ve lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah’m going to lose ma car as weel!” Lottery night again! Still no luck.

Jock prays again: “Ah’ve lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: “Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!”

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer
going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments
of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

“The children came over in person to thank me,”
the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed.
“What do you think caused the change in behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied.
“This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

At Ninety-Nine
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit,
and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon
and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000,
and asked the little man “what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, “Hey, doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?”

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47.”

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled. “Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,” said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home…. very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. “Doc,” he started, “I can’t remember anything!” Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47, it’s……”

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

A Frog on the Psychic Hotline
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”

“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

Hotel Security
A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren’t used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we’d be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” my friend asked nervously.

“Honey,” a woman on the other side yelled, “you left your key in the door.”

Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, “I don’t trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment.”

“So what makes you think your doctor is any better?” asked his friend.

“Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you’ll die of a kidney ailment.”

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

[U]No wonder English is so hard to learn… [/U]

You polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

😀 😀

7 and 7 is 11
A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. “How much is it?” she asked the storekeeper.

“14 cents,” answered the storekeeper to the lady.

“14 cents! For what?” asked the lady.

The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents.”

“I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11.”

“What are your saying?”

“As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11…I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11!

Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11.”

What’s Happening?
What’s happening when you hear “woof… splat… meow… splat?”

It’s raining cats and dogs.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

For months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” Bill began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, “I think it’s a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?”

Six Cups of Coffee
Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Freddie said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

Success in Marriage
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

More Things You’d Love To Say (But Don’t Dare)
– Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…

– I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

– You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

– I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don’t give a darn.

– Visualizing? I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

– I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.

– Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

– The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

– Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

The Dying Irish Nun
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!” “The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Value of Degrees
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

A Good Pun is Its Own Reword
– A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

– Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

– Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

– A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

– Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

– Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

– Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

– When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

– A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

– What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, It’s a dead giveaway!)

– A backward poet writes inverse.

As A Young Minister, I Was Asked To Conduct A Graveside Funeral For A Homeless Man Who Had No Relatives And No Friends. The Funeral Was To Be Held At A Cemetery Way Back In The Country, And This Was The First Man To Be Laid To Rest There. I Was Not Familiar With The Backwoods And Became Lost. I Finally Arrived An Hour Late Then I Spotted A Backhoe And The Crew Who Was Eating Lunch, But The Hearse Was Nowhere In Sight. I Apologized To The Workers For My Tardiness And Stepped To The Side Of The Open Grave, Where I Saw The Vault Lid Already In Place. I Assured The Workers That I Would Not Hold Them Up For Long, But This Would Be The Proper Thing To Do. The Workers Gathered Around Still Eating Their Lunch. I Poured Out My Heart And Soul. As I Preached, The Workers Began To Say “amen”, “praise The Lord” And “glory”. I Preached And I Preached Like I’d Never Preached Before–from Genesis All The Way To Revelations. I Closed The Lengthy Service With A Prayer And Walked To My Car. As I Was Opening The Door And Taking Off My Coat, I Heard One Of The Workers Say To Another, “i Ain’t Never Seen Anything Like That Before And I’ve Been Putting In Septic Tanks For Twenty Years.”

What did Beethoven do after he died?

-He decomposed!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss,
tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??!!”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.”

The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.”

“I understand,” replies her husband, “but, remember,
if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping
trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus
in the garage, and no more country club.
But the decision is yours.”

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend
entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” she asks.

“That’s his mistress,” replies her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” says the wife.

New Checking Account
The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.

“The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,” his mother said.

“Oh good,” he replied, “Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!”

Easter Bunny

A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. 😮 The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, and there was candy everywhere. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel just terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, “Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.” :p

Mother’s Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. “Mom,” she says, “I just found out that my fiance’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding.”

The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. “Don’t worry,” she tells her daughter. “I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.”

“But mother,” says the bride, “that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it.”

“Who said I won’t use it?” her mother asked. “I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.”

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
“Renounce Satan!” yelled Father Sullivan.

“No,” said the dying man.

“I say, renounce the devil and his works!”

“No,” the man repeats.

“And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?” asks Father Sullivan.

“Because,” said the dying man, “I want to wait until I see where I’m
heading before I start annoying anybody.”

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with use very day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us.” And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.” And God said, ” I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut an preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased .And Dog was happy. And Cat didn’t give a darn one way or the other.

My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?”

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Subject: 63 and Pregnant

A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. “What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?”

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

55
Policeman: “When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'”

Woman driver: “Well, you are a long way off! It’s this hat that makes me look so old!”

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: I know how to ‘please a woman’.
Woman: Then ‘please’ leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Man: I’d go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let’s start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down
a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
“Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?

“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

The Dalmatian
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”

“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

Too Hot, Too Cold
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

A Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”

The friend asks, “How so?”

“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software.

One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with ‘remarkably’ similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.

Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, “Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?”

“Of course not!” the sales gerbil replied.

“So, what happens if you press [key combination]?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, humor me. Do it for me.”

“Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . .” and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss’ copyright notice.

It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.

[COLOR=red]How do you know when you’re staying in a South Carolina hotel?

“When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink.”

and the person at the front desk says “go ahead”.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red][/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]

[IMG]http://www.ahajokes.com/g/s040.gif[/IMG]
[/COLOR]

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?”

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”.

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh??!” The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing anything else?”

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?”

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. “How does that thing work?” she asked.

As I turned the figurine’s arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. “I see … it’s a lot like my husband,” she said. “You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him.”

Dear Lee

This one of yours I am definitely giving my lass!

“How do you get Pika-chu onto a bus?

Pokemon.”

But first I’m off to a meeting where an item on the agenda is

Exit Signs – are they on the way out?

The Prospective Father-in-law Asked, “young Man, Can You Support A Family?”
The Surprised Groom-to-be Replied, “well, No. I Was Just Planning To Support Your Daughter. The Rest Of You Will Have To Fend For Yourselves

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows.

The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?”

“Riding alone,” coolly replied Paddy.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re
stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, “Do
you think you’re stupid, Little Davie ?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!”

[SIZE=”5″][FONT=”Comic Sans MS”]Why Computers Sometimes Crash! By Dr . Seuss[/FONT][/SIZE]
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port ,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort ,
and the access of the memo makes your floppy disk abort ,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report .
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash ,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash !
If the label on the cable on the table at your house ,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse ,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol ,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall ……
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse ;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang ,
cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang .
When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk ,
then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM ,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom ! 🙂

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn’t been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

“Great,” David thought, “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

“And this one’s even better because it locks.”

Little Johnny asked his grandma! How old she was. Grandma answered, “39 and holding.” Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, “and how old would you be if you let go?”

Lars asked Ole, “Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?”

“No, I don’t,” said Ole.

“A canoe will sometimes tip,” explained Lars.

After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I’d heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: “Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night.”

[CENTER][IMG]http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/7083/stickerayz7.jpg[/IMG]

[FONT=”Arial Black”][SIZE=”5″][COLOR=”RoyalBlue”]Unfortunately, I could use this[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/CENTER]

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “don’t pay for me daddy I’m under five.”

For months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” Bill began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, “I think it’s a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?”

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

“That’s incredible!” he exclaimed to the man next to him.

“Yes,” he said, “but he’s a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.”

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

“Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

A guy walks into a dentist’s office and flops right down on the couch.

“Doc”, he says, “Here’s the problem. I think I’m a moth”

“Well”, says the doctor, “That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist’s office?”

“The light was on.”

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Auburn.”

Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?”

Defendant: “I didn’t want to wake up the children.”

[CENTER][COLOR=red]Blondes Finish Jigsaw Puzzle [/COLOR][/CENTER]
[LEFT][COLOR=red]A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ’em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ‘2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”[/COLOR][/LEFT]

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: “Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it’s the minister’s turn. He stands up tall and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s Church, for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?”

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

“Up here, we work by results,”

“While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

The father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny, “but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

The father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny, “but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter.

Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man.

They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong.

As she gasped for breath, she said, “When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I’d better run too!”

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: “Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil’s deducted $95.00.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm,” says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black.”

“No,” says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.” Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?” God replied, “Shirley! I didn’t recognize you!”

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.”

“Good! Can you tell me what comes after three.”

“Four,” answers little Johnny.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” says little Johnny.

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?” God replied, “An arm and a leg.” Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”

The rest is history..

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April etc etc etc… ”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind…..but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?

“Sure,” Forrest replied, “its Andy.”

“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

“Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, “ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, “What have you done to enter Heaven?” “I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord’s babies into the world.” “Good enough to enter the gates,” replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. “I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor.” St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, “I am a director of a HMO.”

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, “Fine, you can enter Heaven…but only for 2 days.”

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”4″]Jamie- God how long is a million years to you?
God- it is but a second Jamie.
Jamie- God how much is a million dollars to you?
God- it is but a penny to me
Jamie- God can I have a penny
God- just a second[/SIZE][/FONT]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.

“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”

“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y Zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Pilate the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It’s an ill wind… As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive until it’s all over. I have also heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will stick mail a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know.

Plutonius

Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?”

The teacher says, “Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny.”

Little Johnny says, “Fine” and quickly babbles out: a “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!”

The teacher asks, “Where is the P?”

Johnny replies, “Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!”

A neighbor was watching a little boy playing with a ball and bat in his backyard. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world” the boy exclaimed as he threw the ball into the air. He swung with all his might but missed the ball and fell down himself. “Strike One” he says as he gets up. He throws it up again and swings. Again the ball falls to the ground with a thud. “Strike Two” he yells still undeterred. “I’m the greatest” he says as he swings once again hitting only air as the ball falls to the ground. This time he dances around the backyard as he yells “Strike Three…. I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”

The relatives of the family’s rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

“Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”

There was a young lion who wandered from his father to test whether or not he would get the same respect from the other animals as his father did. As the young lion approached some monkeys, he roared and asked, “WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?” The monkeys, being afraid, responded, “YOU are!” The lion replied, “And don’t you forget it!” The lion repeated this to each animal in the jungle and got the same response until he came across a herd of elephants. The little lion roared and asked, “WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?” The big bull elephant walked closer to the lion, swooped him up in his trunk, swung him around and around and threw him in the river. Battered and wet, the little lion replied, “Just because you didn’t know the answer to the question didn’t mean you had to get nasty about it!”

You gotta love MOMS of Servicemen!
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety.

But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.

[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”4″][COLOR=”Blue”]Prayer for Senility: “God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference…”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

There were three men were hiking and unexpectedly they came upon a raging river. They needed to get to the other side but had no idea how to do so.

So, the first man called out to God, “Please, God, give me the strength to cross the river.”

Poof! All of a sudden the man had big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. But it took him about two hours and he came very close to drowning.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please, God, give me the strength and the tools to cross the river.”

Poof! All of a sudden the man had a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but the water was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The third man saw how things worked out for the first two. So he prayed to God, “Please, God, give me the strength the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

And, Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards, then walked across the bridge to the other side.

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
POLICE
POLICE WHO?
Police Let Us In It’s Hot Out Here.

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
DORIS
DORIS WHO?
Doris Locked That’s Why I Had To Knock

Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

“Oh, you’re welcome,” she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, “And will your grandmother need a rental car?”

An old lady was on a flight. She was sitting beside a young businessman.
After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion.
The businessman glances at her and said. Do you really believe those stuff in the Bible is true?
“Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do,” said the old lady.
“Yeah, right…” the man scoffs, “like… what’s that guy’s name, the one who got swallowed by a whale…”
“You mean Jonah?”
“Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish’s bowel?”
“I don’t know,” replied the old lady, “but I can ask him when I see him in heaven someday.”
Feeling smart, the young man said: “Ok, but what if he’s not in heaven because he went to hell?”
“Then young man, *you* can ask him” replied the old lady calmly.

Cops Say the Darndest Things!
#16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder that the one you just went through.”

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supe! rvisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here!

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”
The person asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”
The girl said, “I don’t know….. I don’t eat cats.”

A boy and a girl were out driving one evening. They came to a quiet spot on a country lane, and the car stopped. “Out of gas,” said the boy.
The girl opened her purse and pulled out a bottle.
“Wow!” said the boy. “A bottle….what is it?”
“Gasoline,” said the girl.

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?”

“Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anaesthesiologist!”

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, “mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow.” The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, “did you mark that spot?” His friend replied, “Yeah, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.” The first one said, “You fool! What if we don’t get that same boat today!?!?”

A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ”I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”

”But how the heck did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked.

”They called back.”

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.
“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

A minister is driving to London to be on a radio show and he’s stopped by the police for speeding. A policeman smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
The priest says, “Just water”
The policeman replies, “Then why do I smell wine?”
And the minister looks down at the bottle and answers, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

Dr. Hansen, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, was examining patients to see if they were cured and ready to re-enter society.

“So, Mr. Lawrenson,” the doctor said to one of his patients. “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”

The patient thought for a moment, then replied, “Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital – what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve developed an interest in lately.”

Dr. Hansen nodded and said, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”

The patient replied, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”

[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”5″][COLOR=”Blue”]You might have a problem with the the new millennium if”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You now think of three espressos as ”getting wasted.”

3) You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, ”What’s for dinner?”

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didn’t give your wife a Valentine’s card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.

14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16) You refer to your dining room table as “the flat filing cabinet.”

17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

18) You find you really need Power-Point to explain what you do for a living.

19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

20) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

New Dictionary
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, “State reason this item is needed,” so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be “My old copy is lost” or “The cover is falling off.” Instead he replied, “My edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.'” He got his new dictionary.

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn’s Tony Cuccinello a fastball.

Dizzy Dean objected. “He can’t hit my fastball.”

He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park.

Dean turned to Frisch. “By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once.”

How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue.

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t an especially quick thinker. He had just
started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a
furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a Solarbucks coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When
the counterman finally noticed him, Freddie held up the thermos.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he asked. The
counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then
finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Freddie said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?

To keep his wigwam

One day, God speaks to Noah. ‘Noah’, he says, ‘I want you to build another Ark.’
‘What, like the last one?’ asks Noah.
‘Yes’ replies God, ‘Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks.’
‘And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time? says Noah.
‘No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it’. Noah is a little puzzled. ‘Just fish?’ he asks.
‘Yes’ says God. ‘In fact, just carp.’
‘Just carp? Why carp?’ Noah quizzes.
‘Well,’ says God, ‘I’ve always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark’

Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Because he had the drumsticks

A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. St. Peter replied, “I did the best with the money you sent us.”

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. “May I take your order, sir?” he asked.

“Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens.” The man replied.

“Oh, it’s nothing too special, sir,” the waiter confided. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn’t eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a…..

“Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”

[SIZE=”7″][/SIZE][QUOTE=Jim C]Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn’t eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a…..

“Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”[/QUOTE]

[SIZE=”7”]LOL, LOL, LOL:D 😀 😀 😀 [/SIZE]

I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed.

When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary.

He said,”No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back.”

A western businessman was conducting his Japanese guest around the busy city. Because of traffic congestion they used bus and underground railway. The businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the system, and by clever use of the map and timetable, he got them to their various destinations much quicker than the average tourist could have done. He was particularly proud of one trick: “There, we saved twenty minutes by changing trains and taking the other line”.
The Japanese smiled broadly. When they got to their station, the businessman hustled the other up the stairs, and out into the fresh air.
Nearby was a secluded little grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat down, and looked benevolently on the world passing by.
“Hey, what are you doing just sitting there?” gasped the western businessman.
“Oh, I’m just using up the 20 minutes we saved on the train”.

The bartender asks him ‘What’ll you have?’. The guy answers, ‘A scotch, please’. The bartender hands him the drink, and says ‘That’ll be five dollars’, to which he replies ‘What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this’.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ‘You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration’. The bartender’s not impressed, but says to the guy, ‘Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again’.

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ‘What are you doing here? I can’t believe you got the audacity to come back!’.

The guy says ‘What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life’, to which the bartender replies ‘I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.’

To which the guy replies ‘Thank you! Make it a scotch.’ :rolleyes:

WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”

WIFE: “In the pool.”

A guy is getting on a bus and ask ” What is a Fax paus? The guy says to him, “Well the other day I saw a girl wirh a beautiful vest and instead of saying that’s a beautiful vest, I said that you have beautifful breast” So the other guy says I think I get it. Like the other day I told my wife to pass the toastie oasties but instead I said ” You ruined my life you f-n *****” xoxoxoxoxo Roxie

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: “Do you know they are all out of step except you?”

“What?” asked the recruit innocently.

“I said — they are all out of step except you!” thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, “Well, sarge, you’re in charge — you tell them!”

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

– Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

A little boy took his dog on a “take your pet to school” day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.

Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.

Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, “Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?”

The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. “Right!” exclaimed the boy.

His dog won first prize.

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, “Paul has to go to the principal’s office.”

“I wonder why,” the teacher mused.

“Because he’s a following person,” Alice replied.

“A what?” the teacher asked.

“It came over the loudspeaker: ‘The following persons are to go to the office.'”

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend Sam asked.

“I’ve never had an old ball,” Morris said.

I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in.

I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot.

When my daughter got in she said “Good – this one’s two player!”

A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. “How much is it?” she asked the storekeeper.

“14 cents,” answered the storekeeper to the lady.

“14 cents! For what?” asked the lady.

The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents.”

“I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11.”

“What are your saying?”

“As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11…I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11!

“Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11.”

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”

Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”

Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when
the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE … I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX … I
PRAY FOR A NEW DVD-PLAYER…”

His older brother leaned over, nudged the younger brother, and said,
“Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

Really Stupid People

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
😀

A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.

“The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week,” says the technician who answers the call.

Customer asks, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“274” was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday” replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?

“Nine” says the third man.

“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?

“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Murphey’s Laws Of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

This big city boy was hiking through the mountains of northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. ‘Anybody home?’ he asked. ‘Yep,’ came a kid’s voice through the door.

‘Is your father there?’ asked the tourist. ‘Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in,’ said the kid.
‘Well, is your mother there?’ persisted the tourist.
‘Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,’ said the kid.
‘But,’ protested the Yankee, ‘are you never together as a family?’

‘Sure, but not here,’ said the kid thru the door. ‘This is the outhouse.’

Words of Navajo Wisdom
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, “Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land.”

Some New Definitions
lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.

negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before mass.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

A man spoke frantically into the phone,

“My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”.

“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.

“No!”, the man shouted, “This is her husband!”.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man. “Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises… The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing . They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity” The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder…
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning…..Today you voted.”

“MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD”
“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith….He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood!
Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.

“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!’

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!”

The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. — John Mendoza

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm amother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smilied and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

Important Legal Terminology

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

Rules for Life

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;

– You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the Duct Tape.

– Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

– Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

– If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

– And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor’s dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, ‘I’ve had enough of this’

Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says ‘The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?’

Chris says, ‘I’ve put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how they like it.’

Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. “Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden, “you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!” “Yes, sir,” replied the young guy, “but my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you need to go to the other place.”

A politician woke up after an operation to find the curtains (drapes) in his room tighly drawn. “Why are the curtains closed?” he asked the nurse. “Is it night time?”

“No” the nurse replied, “But there is a fire across the road and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had been unsuccessful”.

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. “Is the word spelled ‘put’ or ‘putt’?” she asked the instructor.

“‘Putt’ is correct,” replied the instructor. “‘Put’ means to place a thing where you want it, of course. ‘Putt’ means a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

“Look what I’ve don, Jess,” he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

“That’s surely somethin’, Willard. How long did it take you?”

“Only two weeks.”

“Never done a puzzle myself,” Jess said. “Is two weeks fast?”

“Darn tootin’,” Willard said. “Look at the box. It says, ‘From two to four years.”

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Incredulous, Jamie moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?”

“They send me a BLIND policeman!”

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing…

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

My 7 year old granddaughter shared this one with me last night.

How can you tell the difference between a boy easter bunny and a girl easter bunny?

The boy easter bunny’s head is hollow.

(Sorry guys…but couldn’t resist sharing)

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”

“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“NO, no. I just can’t.”

“Pleeeeease?…”

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

Classes for Men
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 – How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 – The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 – How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Topic 4 – Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 – The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 – Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 – Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 – Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 – Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials.

Topic 10 – Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 – Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 – How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.

When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them “Do you know the speed limit.”

They answer, “Yes” and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say “We were going 22 miles per hour.

The policeman shakes his head and says, “No, that’s the freeway sign… the speed limit sign is over there.” And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.

“Ohhh…” said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.

“What’s wrong” asks the police man…

The nun replies, “Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 135!”

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, “It must be the pistons; let’s repair them and be on our way.”

The electrical engineer said, “It has to be the spark plugs; we’ll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all.”

The chemical engineer said. “No, it’s got to be bad gas; we’ll flush the system and be on our way.”

They turned to the computer engineer. “What do you think we should do?” they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, “Let’s get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it.”

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

You’re right,” She said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

Bumper Snickers
– Born Free. Taxed to Death

– Don’t Steal. The Government hates Competition

– 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

– A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

– All men are Idiots, and I married their King

– Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film facility

– Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

– Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I heard that they got all of the Sadam look-alikes together and told them that they have some good news and some bad news.

The good news was that Sadam survived the bombings, so they all still had jobs.

One of the look-alikes asked, “What’s the bad news?”

The bad news, they were told, was that he lost an arm and an eye.

A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.”

New Math
– Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

– Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

– Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

– Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?” The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?” “Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie

Men and Women
– A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

– A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

– A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

– A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

– A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

– To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

– To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

– Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

– Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

– A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

– A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change, but she does.

– Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

– Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

– A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

was walking past the mental hospital the otherday, and all the patients were shouting, ’13…13….13…13.’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. ’14..14…14…14….’.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”

One day, while having a heated argument with each other, the angry wife said to her husband, “I should have taken my mother’s advice and never should have married you! How she tried to stop me!”

The husband replied, “Well, I’ll be! How I have misjudged that woman!”

Two young guys were talking about what they wanted to find in their mate.
One friend said,”Some people say people with opposite characteristics make
the happiest marriages. What do you think?”

The second friend replied, “I think they’re right. That’s why I am looking
for a girl with money!

A black cow is a chocolate soda with chocolate ice cream. The term dates from the Roaring Twenties, although it also came to be used to describe a root beer float. Another term for a black cow was a mud fizz.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”

Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”, replied the man.

“What?” shouted the lawyer?

“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff’s business card.”

A butcher just out of trade school, applies for and gets, a job in North- West America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents – chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them……moosellanious.

A lady celebrating her 105th birthday was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 105, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands, and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her early 50’s, later on a preacher when in her 80’s, and now when she was in her 100’s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Ways the Internet Could Get Worse
– “MAKE MONEY FAST” posts protected by 1st amendment.

– Sun internet servers replaced with Pentiums.

– Al Gore appointed head of “bandwidth expansion tiger team.”

– Free netcom account with purchase of Big Mac.

– Gameboy web browsers.

– Two words: “Microsoft Network”

– Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”4″][COLOR=”Blue”]A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Utah

~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania

~~~

and
Texas.
~~~

Our dipsticks are located in Washington, D.C. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.

The third statistician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “On the average we got it!”

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?”

The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn’t find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Just plant your potatoes.”

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The copper said, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and football!”

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”

Customer: “My mouse doesn’t work any more.”

Tech Support: “Is it an optical or ball mouse?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Tech Support: “Does it have a ball or light?”

Customer: “It has an light on top.”

Tech Support: “On top?”

Customer: “Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it’s on top.”

Tech Support: “Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk.”

Customer: “Oh! It works!”

Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”2″]Mauricette,
You had me rolling on the floor with that last one! So true.
Here’s a cute cartoon i ‘borrowed’ from the Net
[IMG]http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh47/oldbat2ccats/GRINS.jpg[/IMG][/SIZE][/FONT]

An old man was worried about his wife’s hearing. One morning he was having
coffee with the town doctor.

“I’m concerned about my wife’s hearing, Doc. Anything I can do for her?”

The doctor replied, “How bad’s her hearing?”

He said, “What do you mean? How do I judge that?”

The doctor said, “Well, go home and find out how far away from her you
have to be before she hears you. That will give us an idea of how bad her
hearing is.”

So the old man went home. The windows of his house were open and he could
smell the dinner that his wife was cooking. Knowing she was in the
kitchen, he yelled, “HONEY, I”M HOME. WHAT’S FOR DINNER?” He listened for
her reply . . .Nothing.

So he went to the screen door at the front porch. “HONEY I”M HOME. WHAT’S
FOR DINNER?” He listened . . . still he heard nothing.

He stood in the doorway of the kitchen. “Honey I’m home. What’s for dinner
. . . again he heard nothing.

“Poor girl, he thought.” He walked over to her at the stove, embraced her
from behind and said, “Honey, I’m home. What’s for dinner?”

She slammed down a pan on the stove and said, “For the fourth time . . .
macaroni and cheese!”

Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on.

They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.

A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: “This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag.” Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note.

So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK,” and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.

I needed those laughs today! Too funny! Thanks for sharing!

Here is some Saskatchewan Prairie humour for you all

An Old Saskatchewan farmer’s advice:

Keep skunks, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Forgive your enemie…it messes up their heads.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Always drink upstream from the herd!

Good judgement comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgement.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ someone else’s dog around.

The biggest trouble maker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Meanness don’t just happen overnight.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

Every path has a few puddles.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t gonna happen anyway!

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than gettin’ it back in!

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

More Saskatchewan humour….(People in SK are always laughing at themselves!)

You know you’ve been in Saskatchewan too long when….
Winnipeg is “back east”

Everyone you know has hit either a deer, elk, moose, or cattle.

Your school cancels classes because of the cold, but only when it is -40C or colder and the school’s boiler ran out of coal.

You know someone who has died right after saying “Hold my beer and watch this.”

You have to switch from heat to AC all in the same day.

Your emergency road kit consists of a set of jumper cables and a bottle of rye.

You know what “Cow Tipping”, “Garden Raiding”, and “Snipe Hunting” are.

You only own four spices….salt, pepper, ketchup and cheez whiz.

You design your kids Hallowe’en costume to fit over a snowsuit!

You’ve gone to the grocery store on your snowmobile.

good job, Canada:D

Ways to Tell You’re a New Father

1. Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

2. The sentence, “Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?” sounds normal.

3. You are used to doing everything one-handed.

4. The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

5. The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

6. Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

7. You answer the question “How are you?” with “We’re fine.”

8. You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt’s main color.

HI MY NAME IS CHERYL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE BEEN TO THIS WEB SITE :), WHAT BROUGHT ME TO THIS IS A LONG STORY IN FEB 08, I RECEIVED A TB SHOT AND A FLU VACCINE IN DEC 07, IN FEB 08, I STARTED WITH NUMBNESS ON MY BACKSIDE, THEN IT WENT DOWN MY LEFT LEG AND THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT, MY DR THOUGHT THAT I HAD A RUPTURED (sp) DISK, SENT ME FOR AN MRI AND IT WAS NEGATIVE, THEN THE PAIN INCREASED AND THE NUMBNESS WENT DOWN MY RIGHT LEG AND INTO THE BOTTOM OF MY RIGHT FOOT, I’M WALKING WITH FORE ARM CRUTCHES, I WAS TOLD BY MY A NEUROLOGIST THAT IT WAS DEPRESSION AND I WAS PUT ON MEDICATION, I WAS IN SUCH PAIN THAT I NOW TAKE VICODAN AND I AM ON A PAIN PATCH AS WELL, I HAD AN EMG IN MAY AND WAS TOLD THAT IT MIGHT BE GBS BUT IT WAS NEVER CONFIRMED I HAD ANOTHER EMG LAST WEEK AND WAS TOLD THAT I NEEDED A SPINAL TAP, THAT IT WASN’T DEPRESSION ( I COULD OF TOLD THE DR THAT). THE NEW DR TOLD ME THAT IS THEIR WAS PROTEIN IN MY SPINAL FLUID THAT IT IS GBS AND IF NOT THAT I WAS SOMETHING ELSE THAT HE WOULD TALK TO ME ABOUT LATER, BUT LETS GET THE SPINAL TAP DONE FIRST, I GOT FOR THAT TOMORROW, I AM VERY SCARED, I JUST HIT MY 5 YEAR BATTLE WITH BREAST CANCER AND MY HUSBAND HAS A FORM OF ALS. DOES THIS SOUND LIKE GBS TO ANYONE OR CIPD, I HAVE DONE SO MUCH RESEARCH THAT MY HEAD IS SPINNING AND I’M DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY, I’M NOT EVEN SURE IF I’M ON THE RIGHT PAGE TO WRITE THIS EMAIL. IF SOMEONE WASNT TO ANSWER ME THAT WOULD BE GREAT, AND IF THIS IS THE WRONG PLACE TO WRITE THIS EMAIL COULD YOU LET ME KNOW THAT ALSO. THANKS FOR READING MY CONFUSING EMAIL,
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE, CHERYL

Hi Cheryl, welcome to the forum. First off, this would not be where you want to post this story. On the forum there are categories-GBs, CIDP,Main Forum, etc. You posted in the Lighter Side-Clean Jokes thread which is where jokes are posted. I would post this in the main forum section where many folks will read it and you will get lots of replies. I am going to see if I can cut and paste this there for you and you can look in the main forum for replies.

Cheryl, the cut and paste worked. You can find your story under “New to GBS and Need Help/Info”. It will show the thread started by me but other than an intro it is your post from here. Good Luck.

I had to laugh at Jim’s and Lee’s jokes! Both are good ones! I needed that laugh too! Thanks!

Two men left the bar one night after having too much to drink. Their
friends at the bar took them to the railroad tracks, pointed them in the
right direction, and told them to follow the tracks as the tracks would
lead them home.

The men started down the tracks. One drunk man said, “You know, this is
the longest set of stairs I’ve ever walked.”

The other drunk man said, “It’s not the stairs that bother me so much.
It’s these low handrails that are causing me trouble!”

You done made me laugh so hard on that joke Jim that I have lost my voice. Good one! LOL

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing,” his mother asked?

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator’s surprise, said, “Please throw me back into the lake and I’ll grant you three wishes.”

“Any three wishes, huh?” the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.

“Fish,” he finally exclaimed, “Give me five wishes and I’ll throw you back.”

“Sorry,” the fish answered while struggling for breath, “only three wishes.”

The negotiator’s pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, “What do you take me for? A sucker? I’ll settle for four wishes.”

“Only three,” the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn’t worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said “All right fish, you win, three wishes.”

Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

“On landing,” the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

[COLOR=#0000ff]What do anniversaries and toilets have in common, Men always miss them. 😉 [/COLOR]

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”

The friend asks, “How so?”

“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

I wake up every morning and read every joke in here and appreciate you all taking the time to give me a laugh everyday! Thanks so much!

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Question: What is the difference between an overzealous IRS agent and a Rottweiler?

Answer: The Rottweiler will let go, eventually.

So true! LOL! The IRS won’t! Too funny

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Many years ago, a baker’s assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.

Too funny~ Thanks for sharing! I needed that laugh

My neighbor got a letter from the IRS that she owed them some money yet. How would she like to pay it back?

She had three choices:
1. Send a check in full
2. Pay with a charge card
3. Have an IRS agent come and collect it.

She chose the IRS agent to come collect it.

The money owed was:

$ .46

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”

The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.

Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

“Well”, says the dog, “I’m not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages.”

“Really!” says the master. “Say something in a foreign language.”

The dog says, “Meow ! “

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation