Chuckles for the Day!!!
AnonymousJuly 29, 2006 at 11:58 pm
Here’s a start to an old thread that was popular and brought me out of the dumps many of days!!!!!!!!
You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood !
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?—-Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?—-Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through TheForest?—-They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?—-You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?—-Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?—-Polaroid’s
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?—-A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?—-Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?—-Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?—-Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?—-Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?—-Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?—-A Nervous Wreck.
14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?—-Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15 Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?—-Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?—-Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?—-Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?—-Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!—-The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?—-Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?—-A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!—-A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22 How Are a TexasTornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?—-Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.
AnonymousJuly 30, 2006 at 12:17 am
It’s good to see you back.
What do you do with a no legged dog? Take him for a drag.
What do you name your no-legged dog? It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come when you call him.
What do you call a two legged cow? Lean beef.
What do you call a no-legged cow? Ground beef.
AnonymousJuly 31, 2006 at 4:54 pm
[B][COLOR=red]Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.
Hit strangers with your flutter board.
Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….”
Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.
Swim near a stranger and go ”Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have had watermelon before I came here.”
Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!”
Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.
Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
Hit strangers with your wet towel.
Throw people’s things into the pool.
Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.
Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.[/COLOR][/B]
AnonymousJuly 31, 2006 at 4:57 pm
[COLOR=red]You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
The subway makes sense.
The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.
Your door has more than three locks.
You go to a hockey game for the fighting….In the stands….To participate.
Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.
You complain about having to mow it.
You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
You consider Westchester “Upstate”. (Because it is, DUH!)
You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wagner.
When you say “New York” you mean New York City. The rest of the state not worth mentioning.
The purpose of the Governor is to give our hard-earned tax dollars to the undeserving people upstate.
You know that nobody actually pronounces “33rd and 3rd” as “turdy-turd an’ turd”
As a child, your parents taught you to recite the following with an overblown Brooklyn accent for the entertainment of their friends: (pronunciations on this side) It’s spring, the bird is on the wing (da boid is on da wing) but that’s absurd (but dat’s absoid) for I have heard (for I have hoid) the wing is on the bird! (da wing is on da boid!)
Jaywalking is an important skill you were taught when learning how to cross the street.
Pedestrians have the right of way at all times, unless you are driving a car, in which case they are a nuisance and all deserve to be shot.
People from Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, the Bronx and New Jersey are referred to as “Bridge and Tunnel People.”
You know that all people from places outside of New York/Tri State Area are inbred hillbillies and often have six fingers.
AnonymousJuly 31, 2006 at 6:51 pm
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided
to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two
years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She
responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement
new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet! anymore . Can’t
remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still
have my driver’s license .
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed
“Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week!
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as
sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast
Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.
Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
AnonymousAugust 1, 2006 at 4:21 pm
A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.[COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.[/FONT][/COLOR]
AnonymousAugust 4, 2006 at 9:33 pm
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as:
– Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
– Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
– Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
– Try Kotex blah blah blah other products
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.* Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back.* I’ll wait.
While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on feminine Hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention*rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.* Mostly we’d*like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.* There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.
So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.
AnonymousAugust 5, 2006 at 3:34 pm
One day, after Adam had been in the garden for many years, with no other humans around, God comes by to talk to him. “Adam, my boy, I have noticed you seem rather bored lately. Tell you what, I’ll make a deal with you.” Adam perks up, intently listening.
God says, “If you’d like, I’ll make another human, similar to you, to be here as your companion. It will be a beautiful female, and she will be the most wonderful thing you’ve ever seen. She will be sweet, obedient, and will anticipate your every thought and desire and will do exactly what you want without asking. She will provide you with your favorite foods and will clean up behind you. She will never even consider being angry or talking back to you. Your life will truly be perfect in every way. So what do you think?”
Adam is stunned. “Really? What….what will this cost me?”
God says, “Well, it’ll cost you an arm, a leg, an eyeball, and one of your ears.”
Adam winces, and thinks for a moment. “What can you give me for a rib?”
Everybody have a good weekend!
AnonymousAugust 14, 2006 at 10:22 pm
[COLOR=red]A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
AnonymousAugust 20, 2006 at 6:29 am
Know anyone like these?
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
*From Kingman, KS.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.* She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.”* He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
*Yep…From Kansas City!
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled*knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
*Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
*She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
*This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
*A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.* As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!” His reply, “I know – I already got that side.”
*This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
They walk among us … and they REPRODUCE
AnonymousAugust 21, 2006 at 9:34 pm
[B][COLOR=red]101 Ways To Annoy People[/COLOR][/B][COLOR=red]1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. [/COLOR]
AnonymousOctober 29, 2006 at 7:42 am
“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
AnonymousOctober 29, 2006 at 8:36 pm
[COLOR=#ff0000]Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
19. If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,
MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY.
20. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing[/COLOR]
AnonymousJanuary 13, 2007 at 8:46 am
[B]25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP[/B]
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because t&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good ****.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh no, what the hell happened?”
26:You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.:D
Laughter is always the best medicine:p
AnonymousJanuary 13, 2007 at 9:04 am
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”
The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
AnonymousJanuary 15, 2007 at 8:56 am
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word ‘manyana’. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means “maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?”
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
“No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency,” replied Brennan.
AnonymousJanuary 16, 2007 at 8:21 am
You Told Her What?
A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
AnonymousJanuary 20, 2007 at 8:51 pm
The Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
AnonymousFebruary 4, 2007 at 1:48 pm
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”
“Well then, just give me my money back.”
“Cain’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
“OK then, just unload the donkey.”
“What ya gonna do with em.”
“I’m gonna raffle him off.”
“Ya cain’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”
“Didn’t no one complain?”
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”
AnonymousFebruary 16, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Very Smart Women
1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ’em. -Sue Grafton
8. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead
AnonymousFebruary 16, 2007 at 9:23 pm
9 Things I Hate About Everyone – this is hilarious
>some sarcastic comments to help you along ….
>1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…I know
>my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
>ask where the toilet is?
>2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
>the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the
>3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
>Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
>4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it
>Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people
>this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
>5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No
>paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
>6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give
>choice there, did ya sunshine?
>7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new,
>there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then
>must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
>8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the
>thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
>9. When yo u are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus
>yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass!!!!?
AnonymousFebruary 17, 2007 at 12:33 am
Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.
Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner.
Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said; “Why that’s great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”
AnonymousFebruary 17, 2007 at 11:09 pm
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 min
> That’s not right …………………….. Sum Ting Wong
> Are you harboring a fugitive?………….. Hu Yu Hai Ding
> See me ASAP………………………….. Kum Hia Nao
> Small Horse …………………………. Tai Ni Po Ni
> Did you go to the beach? ……………… Wai Yu So Tan
> I bumped into a coffee table . …..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
> I think you need a face lift …………… Chin Tu Fat
> It’s very dark in here ………………… Wao So Dim
> I thought you were on a diet ….. Wai Yu Mun Ching
> This is a tow away zone ………………. No Pah King
> Our meeting is scheduled for next week …. Wai Yu Kum Nao
> Staying out of sight …………………. Lei Ying Lo
> He’s cleaning his automobile ………….. Wa Shing Ka
> Your body odor is offensive …………… Yu Stin Ki Pu
> Great ………………………………. Fa Kin Su Pah
No offence…………I just thought is hilarious and share it with you
AnonymousFebruary 20, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Baste A Turkey
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure.
Then he asked, “But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?”
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, “Well, you knew, didn’t you?” and hung up.
AnonymousFebruary 21, 2007 at 8:20 am
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. “I’ve got problems Every time I go to bed
I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk
to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. “Why didn’t you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.
“Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!”
“Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now !!!”
AnonymousFebruary 22, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet…………..
AnonymousMarch 3, 2007 at 2:26 am
Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to reassure him:
“Bob, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and
you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go……”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
…………….you’re a vet.
AnonymousMarch 3, 2007 at 3:32 pm
A Freshly Commissioned Second Lieutenant
The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It’s symbolizes authority and prestige.
When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.
He gave me a snappy salute and said, “Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir.”
AnonymousMarch 25, 2007 at 12:10 am
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.”
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn’t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, “Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?”
The man answers, “Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.”
AnonymousMarch 27, 2007 at 12:18 am
Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
“I think you’ve paid your debt to society,” he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
AnonymousMarch 27, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
AnonymousMarch 28, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”
AnonymousMarch 29, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it’s a pretty good working solution.
“No no,” says the physicist, “there’s a better way.” He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: “No, no, there’s an even better way.” To the others’ amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
“I define myself to be on the outside.”
AnonymousMarch 29, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
AnonymousMarch 30, 2007 at 8:22 am
Wife Was Mad at Me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, ‘Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn’t stop!’
The other Buddy says, ‘When my wife goes off on me I just don’t listen.’
‘How do you do that?’ says the other.
‘It’s easy! I turn off the light!’
AnonymousMarch 30, 2007 at 7:38 pm
The guys were all at deer camp, they had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted
to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morningwith his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
“Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning,
same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, “Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof. I watched him all night..”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.
They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into
bed and kissed him good night… He sat up and watched me all night
AnonymousMarch 31, 2007 at 4:09 pm
You Know You’re a Tech Geek When…
– When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply “Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!”
– When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
– When you are counting objects “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.
– When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a “mega-nap”.
– When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, “You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor.”
– When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
– When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
AnonymousApril 1, 2007 at 12:40 am
Difference between Women & Men
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a
even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
after shave lotion, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A
would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears
hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
AnonymousApril 1, 2007 at 9:00 pm
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
“My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
AnonymousApril 1, 2007 at 11:09 pm
School Days, good ole Golden Rule Day
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed.
“No,” the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”
“No,” the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, “Scotch Whiskey?”
“No,” said the little boy………… “It’s a puppy.
AnonymousApril 4, 2007 at 7:25 pm
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”
AnonymousApril 6, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
AnonymousApril 9, 2007 at 12:10 am
Surfin’ the Net
So I think I’m in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face
so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit
I act all surprised
don’t know why my machine died
“simply unpredictable these
computers are!” I cried
“So we’ll get you a new one
a computer that won’t crash” he exclaims
Do you think he’ll wonder
when the new one acts the same?
AnonymousApril 12, 2007 at 11:54 pm
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
“Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
AnonymousApril 13, 2007 at 10:19 am
Cats & Dogs
What Is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny women in cheap fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They’re tiny men in cheap little fur coats.
AnonymousApril 14, 2007 at 1:15 am
[SIZE=3][COLOR=red]A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back, “said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”[/COLOR][/SIZE]
AnonymousApril 14, 2007 at 1:15 am
[SIZE=3][COLOR=red]A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back, “said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”[/COLOR][/SIZE]
AnonymousApril 15, 2007 at 7:43 pm
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.
Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, “Oh, whatever is easiest for you.”
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.
AnonymousApril 16, 2007 at 10:51 pm
[SIZE=3][COLOR=red]A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back, “said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/QUOTE]
😀 😀 😀 😀 Great one Dave.
AnonymousApril 17, 2007 at 9:21 am
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.
“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. “There’s plenty of time left!”
AnonymousApril 20, 2007 at 11:50 pm
Life After Death:
“do You Believe In Life After Death?” The Boss Asked One Of His
“yes, Sir,” The New Employee Replied.
“well, Then, That Makes Everything Just Fine,” The Boss Went On.
“after You Left Early Yesterday To Go To Your Grandmother’s
Funeral, She Stopped In To See You!
AnonymousApril 21, 2007 at 1:10 am
A woman called to make reservations “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”
The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.
“You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal” was the reply.
AnonymousApril 23, 2007 at 11:54 pm
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn’t hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, “This might hurt a little more than I thought.”
AnonymousApril 28, 2007 at 5:59 am
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. “people held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.” “Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, He shows up!”
AnonymousMay 2, 2007 at 2:01 pm
WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
WIFE: “In the pool.”
AnonymousMay 2, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful….
IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.”
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.”
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.” From Kingman , KS
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep… From Kansas City !
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.” Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “Its open!”
His reply, “I know – I already got that side.”
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
AnonymousMay 3, 2007 at 1:32 am
A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole band, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
AnonymousMay 4, 2007 at 4:20 pm
was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from “Mas-a-what?” to “You’ve got to be kidding.” One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor’s Garage. “Vic,” I said, “you’re my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?”
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. “Yes,” he replied. “Oil.”
AnonymousMay 5, 2007 at 12:13 am
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie . “Giving up?”
AnonymousMay 5, 2007 at 1:55 pm
John Miller lost his wedding ring while fishing on Beaver Lake in Michigan
while on his honeymoon in 1962.
Twenty years later John was fishing on the same lake with his son Michael.
He caught a beautiful largemouth bass and hauled it into the boat.
As he and Michael prepared to clean and gut his catch, John cut into the fish
and struck something hard!!
It was his thumb……
AnonymousMay 5, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on the “Start” button?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (What a silly question!)
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
AnonymousMay 5, 2007 at 10:06 pm
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,” Is your Daddy home?” “Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,” Is your Mommy there? “Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “no”. Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”? “No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.” Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
[CENTER][SIZE=”5″]”They’re looking for me”[/SIZE][/CENTER]
AnonymousMay 9, 2007 at 12:35 am
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I? ” Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?” “WOW!” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”
AnonymousMay 13, 2007 at 11:38 pm
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”
AnonymousMay 14, 2007 at 2:13 pm
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
AnonymousMay 16, 2007 at 11:55 pm
[COLOR=red]Grown Up Talk
[LEFT][COLOR=red] It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] “My daddy got me a Bow-Wow,” she said.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ……..[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] “My dad got me a dog,” she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
“I got a choo-choo!” [/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
“I got an electric train!!”[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
“I got a book”
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
“What was the title of the book??”[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red] “Winnie The Sh*t!![/COLOR][/LEFT]
AnonymousMay 21, 2007 at 10:41 pm
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,” Is your Daddy home?” “Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,” Is your Mommy there? “Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “no”. Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”? “No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.” Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: [COLOR=”Red”]”They’re looking for me[/COLOR]
AnonymousMay 23, 2007 at 2:21 pm
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Thank God we can all still drive,” said one woman cheerfully.
AnonymousMay 23, 2007 at 10:35 pm
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
This new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take more than four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
AnonymousMay 24, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.”Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
AnonymousMay 31, 2007 at 3:47 pm
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
AnonymousMay 31, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 BC – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 BC – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 AD – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 AD – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 AD – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 AD – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
AnonymousJune 2, 2007 at 9:15 am
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
AnonymousJune 2, 2007 at 10:01 pm
A funeral service was being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman is actually still alive. She lived for ten more years and then died. A ceremony was again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket. As they were walking, the husband cries out, “AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!”
AnonymousJune 3, 2007 at 7:17 pm
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”
AnonymousJune 4, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men’s wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role.
Rossi looks at Abe’s resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.
Rossi says to Abe, “What chutzpah, if you don’t mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.”
“Well I suppose I am,” Abe replies, “but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”
AnonymousJune 7, 2007 at 7:18 pm
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out so he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, “yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.” Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said?
Oh, you didn’t get one either?!
AnonymousJune 7, 2007 at 10:58 pm
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.” That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”
AnonymousJune 10, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
AnonymousJune 20, 2007 at 7:28 pm
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”
AnonymousJune 26, 2007 at 9:24 am
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.”
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.”
The doctor asked, “Where?”
Bubba said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”
AnonymousJune 26, 2007 at 11:45 pm
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter from his mother he just got that morning. As he opened it a twenty dollar bill fell out. He thought: “Thanks, mom, I could use that right about now.” As he finished his meal he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. He thought: “That fella could probably use the $20 more than I.”
So he crossed out the names on the envelope and put the $20 in the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters. “PERSEVERE!” So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, while the pastor was eating his lunch, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised the young pastor asked him what that was for? The man replied, this is your half of the winnings. “PERSEVERE” came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday, and he paid 30 to 1
AnonymousJune 27, 2007 at 7:34 pm
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”
She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”
The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”
She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”
AnonymousJune 28, 2007 at 12:05 am
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?”
AnonymousJuly 2, 2007 at 2:11 am
Inside the dinosaur museum the young teenage tour guide was taking the tour group through the museum explaining each display. He described one dinosaur display as being 2 million years and 6 months old.
One of the older men in the tour group indicated to the tour guide that it was quite fascinating that he knew very precisely how old the fossil display was. The older man asked the tour guide, “How did you determine the precise age of this fossil display?”
The tour guide answered, “Quite simple, when I started work here 6 months ago the fossil was 2 million years old.”
AnonymousJuly 15, 2007 at 1:22 am
[COLOR=red]Why do we have to be quiet in Art Museums?[/COLOR][COLOR=red]I know there are boy ladybugs,
but what do you call them?[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]How do a fool and his money get together
in the first place?[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]My mind not only wanders
sometimes it leaves completely.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]How come little babies are perfect angels
until the movie starts?[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]He didn’t want to marry her for her money,
but he didn’t know how else to get it. [/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]Every time I think about exercise,
I lie down until the thought goes away.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]I bet ya’ didn’t know: 9 out of 10 Americans
tell pollsters they have NEVER had a
[COLOR=red]”STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP.
They call it “PMS” because
“Mad Cow Disease” was already taken[IMG]http://www.mentaljokes.com/images/kitty.gif[/IMG] [/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]Insanity is my only means of relaxation.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]I am starting to get offended by all of the people
who get offended so easily.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid
who grew up with a digital watch?
The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in an insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]What if you thought a thought, but the thought
you thought wasn’t the thought that you
thought you thought?[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]Why is it that people always point at their wrists when asking for the time?
Do they think I don’t know where my watch is?[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10
people suffer from Hemorrhoids.
Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can’t ignore it, top it. If you can’t top it, laugh at it.
If you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]I don’t doubt for a minute that you can catch more flies with sugar or honey than ya can with vinegar. But… who in the hell wants a lot of flies anyway?[/COLOR]
AnonymousJuly 15, 2007 at 10:17 pm
A preacher was off $500.00 to do a funeral of a man that was the worst sinner in the world, the only stipulation was that he had to refer to him as a saint in his sermon, The day of the funeral, the preacher got up and said: this man was a drunk, he was a cheat, he was thief, but incomparison to his brothers he was a saint.
AnonymousJuly 18, 2007 at 11:55 pm
Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not suppose to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
AnonymousJuly 19, 2007 at 9:38 am
A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a Marine joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs, and I’m a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s a Marine. The fella next to him is 6’5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The sailor says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times
AnonymousJuly 20, 2007 at 11:40 pm
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
AnonymousJuly 23, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield:
“Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”
AnonymousJuly 27, 2007 at 1:37 am
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline “Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog.”
The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, “Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot.”
AnonymousJuly 31, 2007 at 1:15 pm
One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.
“I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.
“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”
AnonymousAugust 6, 2007 at 3:48 pm
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too.”
AnonymousAugust 6, 2007 at 4:42 pm
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”
AnonymousAugust 6, 2007 at 8:28 pm
– Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll
squeeze these dangley things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
– Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there….
I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”
– Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
– Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
– If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
– Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
– If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
– Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
– Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?
– Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
– What do you call male ballerinas?
– Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
– If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn’t he just buy dinner?
– If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
– If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
– If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
– Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
– Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
– Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
– Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he can’t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
AnonymousAugust 14, 2007 at 12:41 am
[COLOR=red]APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]1. NAME __________ DATE OF BIRTH __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]2. HEIGHT __________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q __________ G.P.A. __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]3. SOCIAL SECURITY ______-____-________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]4. BOY SCOUT RANK __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________________________________
CITY/STATE __________ ZIP __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]6.Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Y / N
If No, EXPLAIN ___________________________________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]7. Number of years your parents have been married __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]8. Do you own a van? A truck with oversized tires? A waterbed? Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? (If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises) __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?
[COLOR=red]10. In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!” mean to you?
[COLOR=red]11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?
[COLOR=red]12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend? __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? _____________________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone-ever-I promise.)[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is _________________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]c) A woman’s place is in the __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is __________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with ‘T” or “A”, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]15.What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED-HOT POKERS.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]Signature (That means your name, moron) ______________________________[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]Do you still want to date my daughter?[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]__________ Yes, please accept my application[/COLOR]
[COLOR=red]__________ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house…
AnonymousAugust 15, 2007 at 11:24 pm
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words ‘defeat,’ ‘deduct,’ ‘defense,’ and ‘detail.’ Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
”Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!”
AnonymousAugust 25, 2007 at 1:27 am
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”
AnonymousAugust 25, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “about 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”
AnonymousSeptember 6, 2007 at 5:30 pm
As spring migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip North, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the flight attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead armadillos. “Do you wish to check the armadillos through as luggage?” she asked.
“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.
AnonymousSeptember 11, 2007 at 9:47 pm
According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
AnonymousSeptember 12, 2007 at 8:23 pm
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s
going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my
stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly
I noticed that there were several cabs —and I was
in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
S ubmitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, “How long have you been
bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she
answered…”Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s
your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get
used to the taste” the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Submitted by Dr. Leonar d Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk
rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
“Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient’s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow
Submitted by RN no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I
wa s quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener”.
AnonymousSeptember 15, 2007 at 10:17 am
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir,” the usher said, “if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
“All right, buddy. What’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.
AnonymousSeptember 17, 2007 at 12:18 pm
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks,
“Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
“I don’t think my pet python weally gives a thit.”[/COLOR]
AnonymousSeptember 24, 2007 at 11:27 pm
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river.” And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
AnonymousSeptember 26, 2007 at 11:36 pm
A Cat Died And Went To Heaven And When He Appeared Before God, God Asked Him What He Could Do To Make His Stay More Comfortable. The Cat Said He Lived All His Life With A Poor Family And Had To Sleep On A Hard Wooden Floor. Poof, God Handed The Cat A Soft Fluffy Pillow To Sleep On.
Ten Mice Appeared, They Had Died In A Horrible Accident On A Farm. God Asked Them What They Wanted And The Mice Said All Their Life They Had To Run From Cats, Dogs And Old Ladies With Brooms And They Wanted Roller Skates. God Handed Each Of Them A Pair Of Roller Skates. They Put Them On And Off They Went.
The Next Day God Saw The Cat Snoozing On His Pillow And When The Cat Saw God He Said Gee Thanks For The Meals On Wheels, Ymmmmm.
AnonymousOctober 4, 2007 at 10:49 pm
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.
“Oh no!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?”
The pilot confirmed that they were.
The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”
“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”
AnonymousOctober 7, 2007 at 10:13 am
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact
the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a
heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the
Abe – I can’t believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?
Max – Well, it’s great, but I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad
news…The good news is that there’s a fantastic orchestra up here,
and in fact, we’re playing “Sheherezade,” your favorite piece,
Abe – So what’s the bad news?
Max – Well, you’re booked to play the solo!
AnonymousOctober 10, 2007 at 8:16 am
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town.
Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep.
The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded:
“There are 38.”
AnonymousOctober 12, 2007 at 11:38 pm
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
“Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked.
“He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.
“How was he going to do it?”
“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea.”
“So what did he end up with?”
“Ten years to life.”
AnonymousOctober 15, 2007 at 6:48 am
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
“That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”
“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”
AnonymousOctober 21, 2007 at 10:45 pm
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes…
AnonymousOctober 24, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California – WAS HIS
Wealthy people miss one of life’s greatest thrills – Making the last car payment.
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don’t drive any better during the week.
If you can’t keep a secret, you don’t need to know it.
Quote from the boss: “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”
AnonymousNovember 1, 2007 at 8:04 am
Good Advice From Kids
“Never trust a dog to watch your food.” -Patrick, age 10
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer.” -Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.” -Michael, age 14
“Stay away from prunes.” -Randy, age 9
“Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.” -Emily, age 10
“When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” -Taylia, age 11
“Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.” -Traci, age 14
“A puppy always has bad breath–even after eating a Tic-Tac.” – Andrew, age 9
AnonymousNovember 1, 2007 at 10:47 pm
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It’s Adam’s Suit!”
AnonymousNovember 2, 2007 at 8:56 am
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
“They would make a good present for any man,” my wife commented to a colleague, “if only to remind him of the two things he can never have.”
AnonymousNovember 3, 2007 at 7:07 pm
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don’t know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don’t know are also in two groups.
One is those who don’t know and know they don’t know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don’t know, and don’t know they don’t know. And they become unit managers!
AnonymousNovember 25, 2007 at 9:46 am
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, “Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you’re loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn’t breathe?”
The boy thought a moment and then said, “I guess I’d feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!”
AnonymousNovember 30, 2007 at 8:00 am
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. “Sir, is there a reason you’re weaving all over the road?”
The driver replies, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”
Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, “Sir, that’s your air freshener.”
AnonymousDecember 1, 2007 at 9:09 am
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, “Alright. Get in.”
AnonymousDecember 11, 2007 at 1:22 am
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
“Bill,” I said going up to him, “I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” he replied.
“Oh,” I said, “You’re buying a gift, then.”
“No, not at all,” my friend responded.
“If you don’t mind my asking then, Bill,” I said, “Why are you standing in this line?”
“Oh that,” he answered. “It’s like this,” my friend stated, . . .”I’ve never been able to resist a Barbie queue!”
AnonymousDecember 17, 2007 at 7:36 am
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
AnonymousDecember 26, 2007 at 12:02 am
If Life Were Like A Computer:
– You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
– You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
– You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
– You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
– To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
– If you mess up your life, you could always press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!
AnonymousDecember 31, 2007 at 1:12 am
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?” “Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?” “Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…” “What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?” “Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”
AnonymousJanuary 16, 2008 at 8:45 am
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?'” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”
“Is that a record?” she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”
AnonymousJanuary 24, 2008 at 8:51 am
An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
AnonymousJanuary 24, 2008 at 1:06 pm
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom
to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
AnonymousJanuary 29, 2008 at 2:11 pm
THE YEAR’S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
>> Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
>> [No, really?]
>> Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
>> [Now that’s taking things a bit far!]
>> Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
>> [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
>> Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
>> [What a guy!]
>> Miners Refuse to Work after Death
>> [No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so!]
>> Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
>> [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
>> War Dims Hope for Peace
>> [I can see where it might have that effect!]
>> If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
>> [You think?]
>> Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
>> [Who would have thought!]
>> Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect
>> [They may be on to something!]
>> Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
>> [You mean there’s something stronger than duct
>> Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
>> [he probably IS the battery charge!]
>> New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
>> [Weren’t they fat enough?!]
>> Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
>> in Spacecraft
>> [That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]
>> Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
>> [Taste like chicken?]
>> Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
>> [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
>> Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
>> [Boy, are they tall!]
>> And the winner is….
>> Typhoon Rips Through
>> Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
>> Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn
>> to spread the stupidity
>> and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a
>> smile (Maybe even a
>> We all need a good laugh, keep laughing it will keep
>> you young….
AnonymousFebruary 1, 2008 at 5:45 pm
My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for
my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS
diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a
tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same
guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way
too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
Morgan Park High school . “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang”, he
gleamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked. He answered, “In 1959. Why do
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then asked, “What did you teach?”
AnonymousFebruary 6, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Eve: “Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? ”
Sheli: ” No, what about her?”
Eve: “She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins.”
Sheli: “That’s Impossible.! How did it happen?”
Eve: “One of the triplets got lost.”
AnonymousFebruary 9, 2008 at 11:42 pm
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
AnonymousFebruary 10, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Grannie made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, “How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?”
“It’s a family secret” she said. “So promise not to tell.”
I roll out the dough, then cut a bottom layer and carefully put it in the pie plate. Then I slowly pour the filling, making sure it’s not too full. Next I cut a top layer and put it over the filling.
Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest ever impressions you ever did see. 😮
AnonymousFebruary 14, 2008 at 9:59 pm
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]Do Lipton Tea employees take “coffee breaks?”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS”?
AnonymousFebruary 20, 2008 at 8:08 am
“You’ve got a touch of pneumonia,” said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.
“Are you sure, sir?” queried one worried man. “I have known people in civilian life to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different.”
“You are not in civilian life, Samson. You’re in the Army!” thundered the medical officer. “And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia.”
AnonymousMarch 2, 2008 at 7:42 am
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give them all a cow.
AnonymousMarch 2, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Two truck driving brothers are taking a driving test, and the instructor asks, “You’re driving the truck and you’re at the top of a mountain and your brakes go out. You notice an accident at the bottom of the mountain, what do you do?”
The trucker replies, “The first thing I do is wake up my brother.”
“What good is that going to do?” the instructor asks.
The trucker replies replies, “In all of the years we’ve been driving he ain’t never seen an accident like the one we’re about to get in to.”
AnonymousMarch 5, 2008 at 1:01 am
An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, “Doc, it’s terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it’s odorless and silent, otherwise I’d be mortified. For example, I’ve passed gas ten times just since we’ve been talking, but it’s odorless and silent so you can’t tell.” The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, “Doc, there’s been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it’s still silent, now it smells terrible!”
The doctor says, “Well, I’m glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we’ll have to work on your hearing.”
AnonymousMarch 6, 2008 at 7:10 am
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
AnonymousMarch 6, 2008 at 10:52 pm
[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”4″][COLOR=”Blue”]A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
– “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa”. “Pencil”, however, is masculine: “el lápiz.”
A student asked what gender is ‘computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
AnonymousMarch 11, 2008 at 12:17 am
In this life, I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.
If you’re mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
AnonymousMarch 11, 2008 at 9:09 pm
[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”][SIZE=”4″][COLOR=”Blue”]USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
AnonymousMarch 12, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
AnonymousMarch 16, 2008 at 10:49 am
The man walked into the pizza parlor alone and ordered a small pizza. The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 or 6 pieces. He thought about it for some time. Finally, he responded “just cut it into 4 pieces, I do not think I am hungry enough to eat six pieces.”
AnonymousMarch 18, 2008 at 1:11 pm
The Saddest Story
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I just realized that I left the room key in the car!”
AnonymousMarch 22, 2008 at 7:30 am
Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”
Harry got up from his coffee and replied “Well, okay.”
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their morning cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”
Harry got up from his coffee and replied, “Well, okay.”
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went off and Harry didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He said to Martha, “What am I going to do now, Martha?”
Martha said, “Aw, Harry, just leave the car in the garage.”
AnonymousMarch 24, 2008 at 10:28 am
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he’s driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, “I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!”
“Calm down,” the bus driver says, “I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies!”
AnonymousApril 9, 2008 at 11:18 am
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be’?
The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So, am I.’
‘Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?’
The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street
in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to
what school would you have been going’?
The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year
did you graduate’?
The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you
believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s
going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘ Why d o you say that, Brian’?
‘The McCarthy twins are drunk again.
AnonymousApril 12, 2008 at 11:40 pm
A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”
AnonymousApril 15, 2008 at 1:04 am
The other night I dreamed that I had died and gone to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates I was met by Saint Peter who told me if I wanted to enter the gates of Heaven I must climb that ladder one rung at a time. On each rung I must write a sin that I committed during my life while on earth.
He then gave me a piece of chalk. I started, writing, climbing, writing, climbing …. hanging on with one hand and writing with the other – a difficult task for someone who does not like heights.
All of a sudden, something was crushing the fingers of my holding hand. I looked up, and there, much to my amazement was my boss coming down the ladder for more chalk.
AnonymousApril 23, 2008 at 2:36 pm
One day, three men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, “Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?”
“Yes doctor, im right here,” he said anxiously.
“Great news,” explained the doctor, “Twins!”
“Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company.”
About five minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, “Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?”
“I’m right here Doc,” he said.
“Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!”
“Spectacular!” he said. “Because I work for 3M.”
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, “Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?”
“Right here docta,” he said.
“Wonderful news! It’s-”
“Wait a minute!” the man said. “I ain’t stickin’ around for this! I work at the 7-11.”
AnonymousApril 28, 2008 at 12:44 am
There were two good ol’ boys from warmer climes who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they’d heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it.
The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their bait and tackle.
One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”
After they got their equipment, they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”
He sold him the picks, and the good ol’ boy left.
In about an hour, he was back at the shop agaain and said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”
The shop owner couldn’t believe it. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”
“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the stupid boat in the water yet.”
AnonymousMay 2, 2008 at 8:16 am
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
AnonymousMay 2, 2008 at 11:24 am
A woman called a local hospital. ‘Hello, could you conect me to the person who gives information about patients, I’d like to find out if a family member is doing better.”
The voice on the other end said, what is the patient’s name and room number?
“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”
“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.”
“3 – A Nursing Station, how may I help you?”
“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”
“Are you a family member?”
“Yes, yes I am.”
“Hold on, let me look at her records…Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!”
The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic… that’s wonderful news!
“The nurse said,” from your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt?”
“Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302 and NOBODY ever tells me s—!”
AnonymousMay 9, 2008 at 12:33 am
fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. “I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
“Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”
AnonymousMay 14, 2008 at 8:31 am
“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
“Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out.
“I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said.
“By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.”
“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked the visitor.
“What did it say?”
“Don’t stand up in the car!”
AnonymousMay 21, 2008 at 12:18 am
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him,’So, what was wrong? He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T erro r.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric
AnonymousMay 26, 2008 at 8:17 am
A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.
“What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor.
“Oysters,” she said.
“Fresh oysters?” asked the doctor.
“How should I know?” said the lady
“Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn’t you tell when you took off the shells?”
“My Gosh,” gasped the lady. “Are you supposed to take off the shells?”
AnonymousJune 5, 2008 at 1:17 pm
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the eldery, I used to take my 4-year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She wa unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
AnonymousJune 12, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team’s dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. “Yeah, it was great,” she said. “I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don’t get why all the fuss about a quarter!” Charlie is confused. “At the beginning of the game,” she explained, “I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It’s only 25 cents!”
AnonymousJune 13, 2008 at 12:57 pm
WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladie s’ Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, ‘Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.’
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom – a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified – she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church membe r and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP’d, she couldn’t think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to
Alice ‘s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, ‘What a beautiful cake!’
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, ‘Thank you, I baked it myself.’
Alice smiled and thought to herself,
‘God is good.
AnonymousJune 13, 2008 at 6:43 pm
[LEFT][COLOR=red][B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets ?[/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [/COLOR]
[COLOR=red][B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Why do they put Braille dots on the keyboard of the drive-in ATM ?[/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [/COLOR]
[COLOR=red][B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=3]Why is the alphabet in that order, is it because of that song ?[/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [/COLOR]
[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=red]If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move ten miles away[/COLOR] [/SIZE][/FONT][/B][/LEFT]
AnonymousJune 14, 2008 at 11:33 am
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent.”
AnonymousJuly 9, 2008 at 6:19 pm
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man’s response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, “What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?”
The young sailor said, “I’d grab a torpedo and sink it.”
“Where would you get the torpedo?”
“The same place you got your battleship!”
AnonymousJuly 9, 2008 at 10:15 pm
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
AnonymousJuly 21, 2008 at 9:14 am
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A basketball coach?”
AnonymousAugust 2, 2008 at 9:26 am
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
‘Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,’ he said.
‘I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.
‘You’re on, old man,’ the braggart replied. Let’s see you do it’
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he Said,
‘All right, Dumb Ass, get in.’
AnonymousAugust 7, 2008 at 8:51 am
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
“Look,” he said, “let’s have a little game. I’ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t then you buy me one. OK?”
“Ja, dat sounds purty good,” said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, “My father and mother had one child. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my sister. Who was it?”
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, “I give up. Who vas it?”
“It was ME,” chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
“Sven,” he said, “I got a game. If you can answer a question, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?”
“Fair enough,” said Sven.
“Ok,” the Norwegian said, “my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn’t my brudder. It vasn’t my sister. Who vas it?”
“Search me,” said Sven. “I give up, who vas it?”
The Norwegian burst out, “It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!”
AnonymousAugust 17, 2008 at 11:55 pm
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! “The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Hi, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
AnonymousAugust 18, 2008 at 12:22 am
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. 😮 The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter — haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”
AnonymousAugust 19, 2008 at 9:01 am
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, “Oh, I haven’t told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I’ve changed my will three times!”
AnonymousAugust 19, 2008 at 10:39 am
THE YEAR’S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES
Found some funny headlines and thought you all might get a laugh from them:
[B]Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges[/B]
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!
[B]Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says[/B]
[B]Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers[/B]
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
[B][B]Panda Mating Fails[/B];
Veterinarian Takes Over[/B]
What a guy!
[B]Miners Refuse to Work
Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!
[B]Juvenile Court to Try
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
[B]War Dims Hope for Peace[/B]
I can see where it might have that effect!
[B]If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile[/B]
[B]Cold Wave Linked to
Who would have thought!
[B]Enfield Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide[/B]
They may be on to something!
[B]Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge[/B]
He probably IS the battery charge!
[B]Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft[/B]
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
[B]Kids Make Nutritious Snacks[/B]
Do they taste like chicken?
[B]Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half[/B]
Chain-saw Massacre all over again!
[B]Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot Doctors[/B]
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is….
[B]Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead[/B]
Did I read that right?
AnonymousAugust 20, 2008 at 1:00 am
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.
The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: “Quickly children, let’s put our heads together!”
After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, “Now-Let us spray!”
AnonymousAugust 24, 2008 at 12:53 am
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire.
He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!
AnonymousAugust 24, 2008 at 8:01 am
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ ask Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
AnonymousAugust 26, 2008 at 12:06 am
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.
“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!”
AnonymousAugust 26, 2008 at 4:03 pm
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
AnonymousAugust 27, 2008 at 12:20 am
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
AnonymousAugust 28, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client’s jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
“Boy, did I!” said the juror. “They kept voting to acquit!”
AnonymousAugust 28, 2008 at 11:59 pm
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
AnonymousAugust 30, 2008 at 12:06 am
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
AnonymousAugust 30, 2008 at 8:33 pm
[B][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=#800000]YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when… [/COLOR][/FONT][/B][FONT=Tahoma]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=#800000][B] 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=#800000][B] 2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to
see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t
even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a
#9 on this list.
AnonymousSeptember 4, 2008 at 12:38 am
“As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it’s to tell her they picked Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno
AnonymousSeptember 7, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Phrases of Wisdom
– Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
– Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
– No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
– A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
– Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
– Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
– Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
– There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
– Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
– By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
– Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
– Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
– Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
AnonymousSeptember 13, 2008 at 3:49 pm
A salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, “Come In”.
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched “Come In”.
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.
Again, he heard the “Come In”.
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.
He said, “For Pete’s sake, is that all you can say is ‘Come In’?”
The parrot laughed and said “Sic Him”
AnonymousSeptember 24, 2008 at 1:07 am
A young woman really thought she’d been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, “So… how do you want your rice? plain or fried?”
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied…. “Thrown.”
AnonymousSeptember 24, 2008 at 8:24 pm
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.
“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
The governor replied: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”
AnonymousOctober 8, 2008 at 8:21 am
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would Have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American!
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