Blonde Jokes………

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
cruiser pulled her over.

The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.

She asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, “What does a driver’s license look like?’

Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.

She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license”, then handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.”

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

“Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!”
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
“If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?”
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”

The farmer was amazed – she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

“If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken”

Fifty-One Days
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.

Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ’em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”

One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ‘2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”

Subject: Mark One up for the Blondes

A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. “I ask you a question; and, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa.”

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

“Okay, how about this. If you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; but, if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a 5-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes down with 4?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and all of his friends; all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to go back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He is more than a little frustrated.

He wakes the blonde and asks, “So? What does go up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?”

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A Blond tried to sell her old car.

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”

“No!” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for
the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the
voice bellowed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the far end of the
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The

voice came once more,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

“IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied,
“NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”

She gets in the room with the doctor and says, “Doc, I hurt all over.”

The doctor is really confused. He says, “What do you mean, you hurt all over?”

The blonde says, “I’ll show you.”

She then touches herself on her leg. “OW!!! I hurt there.”
Then she touches her earlobe. “OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!”
Then she touches her hair. “OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!”

So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 minutes.

Then he says, “Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?”

The blonde says “Yes, why?”

The doctor says, “Well, you got a broken finger…”

Ken, you’re not blond by any chance are you? 😀

Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.” The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”. The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?'”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow. – – – – (“com-for-da-bul” )

Double-Decker Bus
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.

A couple of hours later, it’s the redhead’s turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She’s clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

“What’s goin’ on?” the redhead asks. “We’re havin’ a grand old time down below, singing and laughing.”

The blonde replies, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver.”

Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .” Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .” The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

The blonde shouts, “fire!!”

[QUOTE=olav]Ken, you’re not blond by any chance are you? :D[/QUOTE]
lol….sorry I didn’t see your post sooner….

….no, I’m a brunette/gray…..my wife’s a brunette too!

BLONDE: “Excuse me, what time is it right now?”

WOMAN: “It’s 11:25PM.”

BLONDE: (confused look on face)
“You know, it’s the weirdest thing,
I’ve asked that question thirty times today,
and every time someone gives me a different answer.”

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, ” Officer, I’m so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!” The officer looks at her, then says, “Ma’am, that’s your air

She Was So Blonde That
– She tripped over a cordless phone.

– She thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train.”

– She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate.”

– She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”

– She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

– She studied for a blood test.

– When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

– When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

– She sold the car for gas money!

Okay, I just can’t resist…..and if this annoys anyone, I apologize in advance…

The biggest blonde joke in recent memory:

.

.

[SIZE=”4″][B]ANNA-NICOLE SMITH[/B][/SIZE]

.

AKA Vickie Lynn Marshall (November 28, 1967 – February 8, 2007)

[IMG]http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2006/06/24/knANNA_NICOLE_narrowweb__300x417,0.jpg[/IMG]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO…..,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.” “Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

”Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,” she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ”Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. They had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said, ‘‘you know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

”No”, she replied,…..”You just happened to catch my eye!”

Q. What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
A. You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.

Why is brunette considered an evil color?

When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

ok once there was a magical mirror and if you lied in front of it you would disappear from existance… so there was a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette went up to it and said,”I think that blondes are nice”…. poof she disappeared. So the redhead went up to it and said,”I’m a virgin” poof she dissappeared. The blonde went up to it and said,”I Think” poof she was gone.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

She moved.

how does a blonde turn the light on after having sex?

she opens the car door.

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says, “What denomination?” The blonde says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

Rebel without a clue.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking

Words of Wisdom: when blondes have more fun do they know it?

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?

A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

A Blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cries.

The dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”

A blonde drives her little red sports car too fast and careens over the road. A blonde police officer witnesses this and pulls the blonde driver over. The blonde police officer asks the blonde driver for her drivers license.

The blonde driver searches through her purse and cannot find the license. After becoming agitated, she asks the police officer what it looks like.

The officer says, “Its square and it has your picture on it.”

The blonde driver looks in her purse and finds a square mirror and hands it to the blonde police officer.

The officer looks in the mirror and says,”Okay, you can go, I didn’t realize you were a police officer.”

A blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains.
She tells the clerk “I would like to buy pink curtains.”
The clerk shows her a large selection of pink curtains in several patterns.
The blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “Seventeen inches.”

“Seventeen inches?” asked the clerk. “That sounds very small, what room are they for?”

The blonde says, “they aren’t for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.”

The surprised clerk replies, “but Miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blonde says, “Helllloooooooooo … I’ve got Windooooooows ….

A blonde walks into a store and says to the store keeper, “Do you have any grapes?”

The store keeper replies, “No, I don’t.” So the blonde leaves.

She comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any grapes?”

The store keeper says, “NO! I don’t have any grapes! Stop asking me!” So the blonde leaves.

She comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any grapes?”

“I DON”T HAVE ANY GRAPES! If you ask me one more time, I’m going to nail you to the wall!” So the blonde leaves.

She comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any nails?”

“No.”

“Do you have any grapes?”

Two Blondes with Hammers

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail,
and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
“Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end,
and I throw them away.”

Donna got completely upset and yelled,
“You moron! Those nails aren’t defective!

They’re for the other side of the house.