Maxing out

November 6, 2005. I can remember every hour of that day. I went down in a very acute manner and have a very good neurologist that knew what he was looking at within minutes.

I can’t imagine not being treated as mentioned above. I have a question and I guess a comment because I don’t know where else to write this; the large amounts of pain medication I’ve been taking now for so long I believe have been masking a very nasty arthritic condition that would have been really looked at and worked out had I not been masking the pain from it with my GBS Med’s.

I am going to a rheumotologist this week. My life was getting better about 2 years ago and I have slipped into a slow, depressed decline as I have had incredible breakthrough pain from time to time that sends me to the ER. I won’t self medicate any more than my doctor has prescribed so I go to the ER rather than do something stupid.

So here is the hard part; I feel like my life has been stolen. Taken away from me. I was a vital, hard working guy that tried hard to provide for my family and I have been reduced to a grouchy lifeless bum.

I think about my children a lot. I wouldn’t ever OD because I think it’s wrong and I love my family despite the trouble I cause for them. But I think about dying a lot lately. I feel so upset inside. Worthless. And I have tried to find some things to do in life that might spark my attention and revive my love of life, but right now and for nearly a year I have been a coward and prayed that I would be taken in the night or in some way.

I know that I cannot succumb to these feelings and I needed a place to get it out of me, I guess–so there you have it. I am ashamed. I know I need to try harder but pain is my life companion and I just want it to go…

I read about the strength you all have in here and Im embarrassed to feel so terribly unable to cope.

Love to each of you fighting the good fight.

Ty