I’m worried and scared and a little depressed!

September 19, 2008 at 1:22 pm

Dear God! All these years of having challenging things in my life, I somehow have been a strong person and alway’s thought of other’s before thinking of myself. In fact I very seldom pray for myself and feel so selfish doing so. I saw my mother lose her mom and saw my father die in my arms of a brain tumor and lost two family members within a matter of weeks. When my mother needed me the most in her lifetime, you placed me in remission from my Systemic Lupus and gave me the strength to help her. I have helped neighbors, church friends and tried to be a good person. Tried to keep my faith and believe that there was a much higher power on Earth than Earth itself.
I am facing a very scary challenge right now and just hope and pray that the problem I have will be able to be treated. Stupid me has done all kinds of research learning my diseases and how to handle them and find ways to cope. My father died of cancer and his death was such an ugly site. All I saw him do was suffer. I wished that my doctor would have explained things better to me instead of telling me I have thyroid cancer and most thyroid cancers are treatable. What he didn’t tell me is that there are 5 kinds of thyroid cancers. 2 with a good prognosis and 3 with a poor prognosis. I am waiting surgery to have my thyroid removed. A test called a RAUI got done after two other test and but my doctor wanted this test done to check the full body. A full body thyroid scan. Doing some research last night I found out that the full body scan checks to see if thyroid cells have spread to other body parts and it also is another diagnostic tool to detect what kind of cancer that person may have. Sometimes it can detect it and other times it can’t give a complete answer. Meaning removal and then given the diagnoses of which cancer it is. Everytime I get sick, it’s always a diagnostic challenge. Can’t be just something simple, it’s always a challenge. I am scared to death of going through this surgery to wake up having my worst nightmare! I’m not ready to die! I know many of us are not ready for that! But I am just not ready. There are so many things I want to do in life and I am not finished here! Then if I wake up and do hear the worst case scenerio, I don’t know how I will handle it! I saw my grandfather die of liver cancer in the 70’s and then my father and both were terrible deaths. The one thing I have prayed for all these years is to never get cancer and I had to get cancer! Along with CIDP! God! If your listening to me. Please don’t let me suffer! Please let me get better! I want to see my grandchildren grow up and I want so many other things to happen before it’s my time to go! I still feel like I am young and only lived a short life. Plus my mother needs me and I can’t be sick right now. Let me finish taking care of her and then take me from here! But at least give me that one chance to finish off where I left with her and help her through her old age. Then if you want to take me, then take me! So many mixed emotions are in me right now. I’m scared, I’m angry and yet I’m sick and see myself getting sicker and sicker. My husband needs me too! I want to hurry up and get this over with and done with. But am praying that when I wake up from surgery that I hear good news and not bad. I hope that you will answer my prayers and give me the strength to handle what lies in front of me. I need the strength to help me get through all this. Please give me the strength! And please help me fight this battle. For right now, I feel so alone inside trying to be strong but deep inside I am a nervous wreck! Total nervous wreck. I’m trying my best to stay calm but this is certainly not easy dealing with. Today while at the hospital, while waiting to get my test finished and then treatment. I met two people with cancer! Both were terminal! Both were in their 70’s too! But my heart went out to them. They were so brave acting! I saw them fighting and I saw strength in them! Please let me have that! Sorry my prayer took up so much space. I had to let it out! Just had to release my fears and feelings!