Wow. I always thought it was related to my GBS, but non-GBS friends and family didn’t understand, said it was just in my head…which may well be true! Thing is, my head IS different now. I mean how I think. Since losing about 3 years to GBS painful recovery, divorce during that time, losing money not being able to work, pain pain pain pain pain….well, I treat life in a different way now. Basically, life is a gift that can be taken in a moment’s notice. I have a real phobia of wasting time now, and if my body is letting me do things, then things must get done! Most people I know do not really value their time here. They party a lot, watch a lot of TV, hate their jobs, and cannot understand why I want to swallow life whole, why I have such gusto for what I do (computational chemist). Most of the people I know seem to sort of live in a holding pattern, but maybe I don’t know them that well.
Consequently, since I largely recovered from GBS I have not really found anyone that I resonate with. I have developed a rather cynical attitude about most women. In my mind, they are all shallow. Awful attidude, right? It is not as though I have always been like this. I’ve been married twice, with a wonderful 11 year-old daughter from the second marraige. Many many girlfriends. Since I could do it, I did, and lots.
But I think it is that when I see ANY red flag, and especially one that will probably lead to time-wasting petty problems, its like a switch is shut off inside me. Maybe GBS changed my sexual physiology, and this is just how my brain translates that change. I have little desire for casual sex…simply because it always leads to problems! And after GBS, anything that wastes time from what matters in life is simply not allowed anymore.
THis is not to say that I wouldn ‘t like to meet someone nice. I get very lonely sometimes. I am for the most part a loner, which before GBS was simply not ever the case…I was ALWAYS with someone. Since GBS, I have put everything into building my own life back up, piece by piece. Perhaps narcissistic, but for years it was simply survival. I had no choice, other than suicide…or so it seemed. The thought of a relationship was, and is for the most part, a scary threat to that survival.
Somehow I think this will all make sense to you all.